Husband's Infidelity, Child's Disappearance [Personal Experience]

I want to build a happy family.

Since I was young, I dreamed strongly of a 'happy family.' I wanted two or three children, a family where we could talk about anything and be close and cheerful. With such expectations, I married a kind bank employee at the age of 22. Having grown up watching my father create a woman outside while my mother struggled, the idea of a 'happy family' was an irreplaceable dream for me. The following year after our marriage, our first son was born, and two years later, our first daughter, followed by our second son. After a smooth recovery from childbirth, on the night I returned home from the maternity ward, I looked at the peaceful sleeping faces of my three children and thought, "I can't believe my dream is coming true so soon!" I managed the household and childcare as a full-time housewife, earning a reputation as a 'good wife' in the neighborhood, while my husband devoted himself fully to his work. However, the happy times did not last long.

Shattered Dreams

"There is someone else important to me. I have a child with that person."
Three months after our second son was born, my husband suddenly thrust a piece of paper at me. It read 'Divorce Notice.' He had been having an affair since our third year of marriage. I was stunned by this unexpected revelation. However, thinking of our young children, I felt a strong desire not to let the happiness we had built be destroyed. I held onto the faint hope that we could start over if I took my time, and I did not sign the divorce papers. But after that, my husband began to come and go between our home and his mistress's house openly.

"He will surely come back someday"

(I will just keep smiling and being cheerful. He will definitely come back someday.)
I kept everything inside and tried to find a way to repair our relationship on my own. However, when my husband occasionally returned home, he was strangely distant, and if something displeased him, he would yell, "Shut up!" My efforts always ended in vain.
(Why am I living like this...)
Usually, my mind was filled with the desire to 'restore our original family,' but at times I felt an unbearable emptiness. I thought, "If I die now, will my husband understand my suffering?" and when I reached for the door to jump out of the car he was driving, my eldest son called out, "Mom," and I came to my senses. Many sleepless nights followed.

12 Years of Divorce Papers

"You absolutely need this teaching."
It was during this time that I began to learn the teachings of Happy Science at my sister's suggestion. I devoured a book called 'Unshakable Heart open_in_new' that my sister gave me. I cannot count how many times I soaked my pillow with tears over the passage, "No matter what hardships or difficulties you face, the sun will rise again." However, the improvement in my relationship with my husband did not progress at all. After 12 years of being worn down, at the age of 39, I signed the divorce papers on the condition that I would take custody of the children.

Like a Tooth Missing from a Comb

At least I wanted to be happy with my children, so after separating from my husband, I focused particularly on them. However, my eldest son, who was in middle school, began to show a decline in his attitude. He started staying out overnight without permission, and after entering high school, he would play loud guitar music in his room late at night. When I admonished him, he would explode in anger as if he had become a different person. He threw the shoe rack at the entrance into the kitchen, overturned the refrigerator, broke the glass windows, and turned the house upside down. Concerned neighbors even reported it to the police. I wondered why I was the only one suffering like this... Such thoughts only intensified my frustration towards my eldest son. Additionally, as my grown son began to resemble my husband, one day I blurted out, "You are becoming more and more like your father, and I hate it!"
That seemed to trigger something. My eldest son left home at 20 and became unreachable. With my husband gone and my son having run away, it felt like my family was leaving me like teeth missing from a comb.

Daughter's Illness

Fortunately, my eldest daughter, who understood me the most in the family, got engaged to a wonderful and sincere man.
(At least I want my daughter to be happy in a warm family.)
However, soon after, she developed unexplained pain (sharp, stabbing pain). Within a year of her marriage, she returned home for treatment. "It hurts, Mom, help me!" Her cries echoed through the house day and night as she rolled in agony. No matter how many famous university hospitals we visited, the treatment was ineffective. I could only watch helplessly as my daughter suffered. After ten months, the frequency of her pain finally decreased, and she returned home. However, the fear of "What if the pain returns? What if it gets worse?" tormented her, and indeed, she frequently suffered from pain.

Something to Change

Why is all the happiness I seek destroyed, and why does my beloved daughter suffer? I couldn't help but resent my husband, who was the root cause of it all. The absence of my husband only amplified those feelings. Unable to bear it any longer, I spoke to a friend I met through Happy Science. Then she said, "K, you care deeply about your family, so it's tough, but you're enduring it well. But if your current feelings were to be mimicked by your daughter, would she be able to find happiness? Perhaps there is something in your heart that needs to change. Shall we look for it together?"
She recommended the Happy Science Dharma Truth School 'Senior Plan 21' to me. I was told there is a course called 'Lifetime Reflection' that looks back on one's life. Desperate, I decided to attend 'Senior Plan 21.' The 'something to change' must surely be related to my husband. I participated in the course and reflected on my relationship with him.

"Was I Actually Loved?"

However, no matter how much I tried to recall memories with my husband, his expressions somehow overlapped with those of my father, who had tormented my mother and me. As I continued my inquiry in confusion, an image surfaced. It was a scene from my birth that I had heard from my mother long ago.
"You idiot, you gave birth to a girl!"
My father, who wanted a boy, threw something at my mother right after giving birth. In my memories, my father was a 'scary person' who would raise his voice with a demonic expression when things didn't go his way.
(I hated that there was a woman outside, but was I not loved from the moment I was born...? But why do I keep thinking of my father?)
This thought lingered in my mind, and even after returning from the course, I reflected on my relationship with my father. Then, two weeks later, during a course I attended, a memory suddenly came to me.
"No matter what happens, I will always protect you!"
It was the image of my father, who, when an earthquake struck, quickly grabbed my sister and me and rushed us outside. Looking up at my father, who held us, I saw that his usual demonic expression was gone.
(Come to think of it, my sister often said, "Dad always praised A-chan as a 'kind and hardworking child.' Maybe I was loved by my father?"

I Wasn't Facing My Husband

As my feelings towards my father began to change, a different perspective on my relationship with my husband emerged, one I had never considered before.
(Come to think of it, I used to jokingly say, 'I want children, but I don't want a husband' when I was single. In my married life, if I think back, I often avoided facing my husband.)
Looking back, I had avoided engaging with my husband, using the busyness of housework and childcare as an excuse. Even though I knew he was tired when he came home, I never offered a word of comfort. While wearing the mask of a 'good wife' who managed the household and childcare, I had not been close to my husband's heart. From his perspective, there may not have been a place for him in our home.
(Even so, I thought, 'It is natural for my husband to continue loving me.' That was the image of the 'happy family' I was aiming for...)

Tears of Regret

I felt an overwhelming regret towards my eldest son, who left home. I had treated him harshly because he was 'starting to resemble my husband.' How sad that must have been for him. But my son had quietly endured it all alone.
(In my resentment towards my husband, I completely failed to recognize your kindness. I'm truly sorry.)
I realized for the first time that I had misunderstood my father, neglected my husband, and hurt my son. My own 'unhappiness' was actually caused by me, yet I was filled with selfish thoughts, wanting others to make me happy.
(My father was actually a good father, but I had always found him bothersome. I'm truly sorry. You, I was a cold wife. I couldn't make you happy. I'm truly sorry. Big brother, I'm sorry for making you suffer just because you were so kind.)
The feelings of regret turned into tears that streamed down my cheeks.
"Most people seem to think of love from the perspective of 'taking love' or 'receiving love.' Unless we change that perspective, true peace of mind will not emerge." (From 'The Origin of Happiness').
President Okawa's teachings struck my heart, and even after the course ended, I couldn't bring myself to leave my seat.

In the Warmth I Regained

Since that course, unexpected events began to unfold one after another. My father developed dementia and could no longer recognize me, and he was admitted to a care center. However, I wanted to at least express my gratitude to him, so when I went to visit him, I found him.
"...A, you came to see me."
For a brief moment, my father returned to his senses.
"Dad, I used to think badly of you. I'm sorry."
As I apologized, my father looked at me with eyes full of intention. Then he said, "I love you, A. I truly regret what I did," as he gently stroked my head like a child. He repeated it many times.
"I'm sorry, truly sorry..."
Feeling his warm hand, I cried like a child.

Reunion After 10 Years

Shortly after that, during the May holidays, I unexpectedly received a message from my eldest son, who had been out of touch since his disappearance. We decided to have a meal together at a family restaurant for the first time in about 10 years.
"Eating with you, Mom, has been since high school... no, maybe even longer."
My son, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, had lost quite a bit of weight. He said he had found a job as a caregiver and was now working proudly.
"When my heart is unsettled at work, the patients become restless too. The heart is truly important. Just as you said, Mom, I've been supported by many people throughout my life. I'm very grateful."
Just as I was about to say, "I love you," my son said something that struck me.
(He has grown up so well... I wonder how much he has struggled.)
From that point on, I could only manage to praise him, saying, "You are truly amazing," while desperately holding back my tears. After finishing our meal, we stopped by a nearby supermarket, and I let him pick out his favorite things. When we said goodbye, my son stood in front of the supermarket for a long time, watching me leave. A strong desire welled up in my heart for my children to be truly happy. My daughter's pain gradually improved with her husband's help.

"Happiness Depends on Yourself"

From nearly 20 years of experience, I have learned that "all events are a reflection of my heart, and if I change my heart, my environment will change." In the past, I had harbored feelings of disgust towards my father, which led to a growing distrust of men. At the same time, I believed that "happiness is something someone brings to me." Seeking happiness while distrusting men—when I think about it, it's a very convenient story. And that mindset had made not only myself but also my husband and eldest son unhappy. However, through encountering President Okawa's teachings, I finally realized that I had been loved by many people. Now, I savor that happiness deeply as I go through each day.
The 'happy place' had already been given to me. Everything was just as President Okawa's teachings said. Now, I am starting to share this 'secret to happiness' with my family and friends by giving them President Okawa's books and evangelical magazines. In the future, if there are others in similar circumstances as mine, I hope to empathize with their feelings and convey this miracle of a changed heart, encouraging them to steer away from a 'life of taking' to a 'life of giving love.' I sincerely wish for that.