Father's violence, family collapse... Healing the emotional scars of childhood through the faith of Happy Science【Happy Science Believer's Experience】

Surviving middle school days with pickles

It was spring of my second year in middle school. My family moved from an apartment in Sapporo's Kiyota Ward to a new place in the Kita Ward of the city. My father, a chef, had changed jobs several times and decided to start an izakaya in the Kita Ward. My mother left when I was three years old, divorcing my father, so our family consisted of just my father, my younger brother who is two years younger, and me. The small apartment we moved into had no bath or phone. After transferring schools, when my homeroom teacher handed me the class phone tree, only my number was left blank, and I was so embarrassed.
I hardly exchanged words with my father. I barely received any money for food, and our only side dish was always pickled cucumbers. Fortunately, the school provided lunch, so my brother and I looked forward to that every day.
"Hey, how can we get away from 'that guy'?"
"In this poor house, if I had money, I would want to leave right away."
Growing up terrified of my father's violence, we always referred to him as 'that guy' and discussed how we could leave together.
One day, my brother, at the right age, dyed his hair a little brown. When my father saw it, he became furious, immediately bought a hair clipper, and without a word, shaved all of my brother's hair off. My brother had several scars on his head from when my father hit him, and his hair had stopped growing. Once he was shaved bald with the clipper, those scars were fully visible. My brother, looking down in regret as he was at the mercy of our father, had tears streaming down his face.

A father punishing his young children

My father's violence began when we were very young. When he got angry, he would mercilessly hit us with something like a wooden sword. There were times when my brother would say, "I'll take the blame for this," and protect me, becoming a substitute for my punishment. I could hear my brother being punished in the next room, crying out, "Stop! Stop!" I couldn't move or help him...
I was also once beaten severely because I was suspected of stealing money.
"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!"
At that time, my father's mistress, who was coming in and out of our house, was the only one I could think of as the thief. But it was useless to say anything. I couldn't even wipe the blood dripping from my head and offered my meager allowance to seek my father's forgiveness.
"Is that enough?"
My father's terrifying expression at that moment was deeply etched in my heart.

Marriage, childbirth, and a turning point

In the end, the izakaya didn't succeed, and my father changed jobs again, moving the family to Niseko, where there are ski resorts. One day, after my brother graduated from middle school, he suddenly left home without a word. We became separated without even saying a simple goodbye like, "Take care."
I also hated my father for bringing women home, so I dropped out of high school just before graduation, shared a room with friends, and lived in Sapporo.
I aimed for independence while working in restaurants, but at 19, I got married through an introduction from another friend, and three years later, I gave birth to my first daughter, R.
A turning point came the year after I gave birth. One day, when I visited my best friend S's house from high school, I noticed many books carefully lined up in her room. The author's name on the spines, "Ryuho Okawa open_in_new", seemed to shine and stand out. I borrowed a few books from S and went home, immediately opening 'The Origin of Love' open_in_new.
"The meaning of love, after all, lies in the fact that what was originally one calls out to each other, connects, and seeks to create even greater happiness."
The resonance of words I had never read before. For some reason, I was so moved that I cried out loud. When I contacted S, a few days later, she took me to the branch open_in_new that was in Sapporo at the time, and I became a believer in Happy Science on the spot.

The loneliness of a single mother

When R turned three, I divorced and became a single mother. I unilaterally filed for divorce because my husband raised his hand against me. In fact, due to my father's abuse, I had developed a phobia of men to the extent that I would think, (I wish he would go away) whenever a man stood close to me on the train. "My husband knew about this and said, 'Let's be together.' But hitting is just like 'that guy.' I can't take it anymore..."
After the divorce, the man I lived with was very kind. However, I soon found out that he was a drug addict. I had to work part-time day and night to support R and him, as he couldn't work.
A fellow believer※ expressed concern and scolded me, saying, "It's absolutely wrong for H to be the only one working," and that was when I first woke up. Looking back now, I think I was somehow maintaining my unstable heart by thinking, "I will save this person."
At 29, I had my first son, T, with that man, but before T turned one, I tearfully parted ways with him.
I put T in daycare and worked desperately to raise my two children. I had no contact with my father and no reliable relatives. One cold winter day, when I picked T up from daycare and got on the bus, T vomited. I had no choice but to get off the bus, holding T, and trudged home through the snow. T's face, recovering from illness, was pale. The tension and anxiety snapped, and tears flowed.
For me, the warmth of the fellow believers at the branch was a salvation. A local woman who put a monthly magazine in my mailbox. A middle-aged man who always gave T a piggyback ride, even though he didn't have a father. I was supported by so much love.
Also, when the three of us prayed in front of the Happy Science's main deity※ at home, we were enveloped in the warm light of the Buddha and felt happy.

※Fellow believers: Friends who share the same faith and learn and grow together.
※Main deity: The object of faith enshrined in temples, representing Lord El Cantare in Happy Science.

It's impossible to be grateful to 'that guy'

I never informed my father about my marriage or my children. According to my grandmother, my father later remarried, had children, built a house in a town in Hokkaido, and was living happily.
One day, when T was around 2 or 3 years old, my father suddenly visited my house. Apparently, my grandmother told him, "You should visit H once in a while like a father." It had been over a decade since I last saw my father. I was very nervous and couldn't look him in the face. However, for the sake of the children, I pretended to be calm. My father, who was originally taciturn, spoke very little. There was hardly any conversation, and as he was leaving, he hurriedly wrote down my contact information in his notebook and left. My heart felt heavy with fatigue.
Ryuho Okawa, the founder, teaches that "people come to this world after making a life plan in the spiritual world and promise to be born to their parents." I was surprised to hear this, but at the same time, I couldn't believe that I had made a promise with such a terrible person. I couldn't fully accept that my divorce and everything else was 'that guy's' fault. Just thinking about my father filled me with hatred.
I was encouraged by a fellow believer to attend the 'Reflection and Gratitude towards Parents' training at Happy Science's Headquarters, Seishinkan open_in_new. During the training, we recalled one by one what our parents had done for us and deepened our gratitude. While others around me were sobbing and expressing their gratitude, I couldn't remember anything or feel grateful. I couldn't even recall my mother’s shadow.
When I was young, I once searched for my mother's photo in an album. However, all the photos of her had the face cut out. Later, I heard from my grandmother that the reason for the divorce was my mother's infidelity. My father must have felt betrayed and cut her out.
(I can't remember anything about my father or mother. It's impossible for me to feel grateful to my parents. Our family is not a normal one...)

‘Adult Children’

Later, I listened to a DVD of Ryuho Okawa's lecture on 'Hints for Solving Family Problems' at the branch. In it, he referred to people who grew up in terrible family environments, such as those with alcoholic fathers who were violent, as 'Adult Children,' and explained that they often marry similar men they dislike and end up divorced, causing various problems. He also taught that Adult Children tend to lack self-confidence and have self-destructive tendencies.
I could relate to everything he said. Even when watching sports broadcasts on TV, if the team I was cheering for lost, I would excessively blame myself, thinking, 'It's because I cheered for them that they lost.' I was convinced that the root of my problems lay in my relationship with my parents, and I attended the 'Reflection and Gratitude towards Parents' training several more times. However, it seemed like there was no progress, and I was starting to give up when...
I fell ill and started bleeding, and when I went to the hospital, I was diagnosed with a high probability of cancer due to a uterine fibroid that had been present for several years. Happy Science teaches that 'uterine diseases are often caused by conflicts in marital or parent-child relationships.' I strongly felt that this time, I wanted to reflect on my relationship with my father. I was considering changing jobs, so I decided to take a break and deepen my heart while doing a cloud monk training open_in_new at the Hokkaido Seishinkan.
The staff at Hokkaido Seishinkan advised me, saying, 'It seems you have a strong fear of your father. Even if you can't feel gratitude right away, it's okay to think, 'He raised me without abandoning me.' Please remember your father every day in front of the main deity.'
As I practiced as advised, memories of things my father had done for me, like 'He gave me a bath when I was busy' and 'He packed my lunch,' gradually began to surface in my heart.

※Cloud monk training: A practice where one lives in a Happy Science temple, polishing their heart while helping with cleaning and event management.

The father who silently bowed down

As I continued this practice daily, more and more memories came back to me. When I was in high school, my father fell ill and was hospitalized. I didn't have any pocket money for the school trip, so I went to his hospital room and said, 'Please give me some money.' My father replied, 'I don't have a single cent to give you!' I thought, (What a terrible father!) and left the hospital room.
At that time, I had gone to the hospital solely for my own pocket money. Moreover, I never offered any words of comfort to my father, who returned home tired from work, and always fled to the next room.
(Without even saying 'Welcome home,' and not offering a single kind word when he was hospitalized, how lonely must he have felt?)
For the first time in my heart, I apologized to my father.
Another memory I recalled was when I was in the second year of middle school, before transferring schools, I hit my best friend and caused her a serious injury. That friend came from a wealthy family and always wore cute clothes. She had kind parents and a big house. She had everything I didn't have. We were always together. However, I hit her over a trivial matter. When I went to apologize at home with my father, her father exploded with anger. Then, my father silently pressed his forehead to the ground and bowed down.
I prepared myself to be beaten when I got home. However, my father didn't hit me or say anything. The decision to move came shortly after that incident. Perhaps due to work, my father must have felt pity for me, thinking it would be unfair for me to continue attending the same school, and he let me transfer.

I was born wanted

Then, a few weeks later, I attended the 'Reflection and Gratitude towards Parents' training again at Hokkaido Seishinkan, fully prepared. After watching a DVD of Ryuho Okawa's lecture on 'Great Compassion: The Heavy Debt of Parents,' I was calming my heart in the chapel when a certain scene vividly resurfaced in my mind.
It was when I was in preschool. At that time, my father was a chef at a hotel by Lake Toya, and on days when preschool was closed, he would take me to work with him. That day, I was waiting for him, walking in the hotel garden and watching the swans on the lake.
Then my father came to me with a freshly baked chicken leg, saying, 'Eat this.' As I took a bite and exclaimed, 'Delicious!' I looked up at my father with a big smile. I was so happy that I held onto the chicken leg, unable to finish it. My father's smile as he watched me was filled with joy... A wave of emotion surged, and tears flowed.
Furthermore, as I envisioned my father's face, the face of a woman who seemed to be my mother appeared beside him. The young father and that woman, who looked like my mother, were gazing at me, just born, and smiling.
(It's my mother...)
I clearly saw the face of my mother, whom I had never seen in a photo. I thought it was shown to me by the compassion of the Buddha.
"I was a child born without being wanted by anyone. I thought I was an unwanted child. I have always thought that. But I was born wanted by my father and mother."
I felt so grateful and happy that tears kept overflowing.

※'Great Compassion: The Heavy Debt of Parents': A scripture of Happy Science that teaches the debt of gratitude to parents.

My father's hands

After that, I continued to deepen my reflections during the cloud monk training. One day, while meditating in the chapel of Hokkaido Seishinkan, the day my father suddenly visited my house came to mind. On that day, for just a moment, when my father flipped through his notebook to jot down my phone number, I noticed a page with my and my brother's names and birth dates written on it. At that moment, I felt happy, thinking, 'He thought of us as his children.' I remembered that.
Moreover—. On that day, while I was nervous, T innocently sat on my father's lap, who was sitting cross-legged. He looked at my father's hands and said, 'They're dirty.'
In that instant, I saw my father's large, rough hands. The moment I envisioned my father's big, sturdy hands, I burst into tears. I realized the struggles and true heart of my father, which I had never tried to understand or consider.
My father was taciturn and not good at expressing affection. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to manage everything alone as a single father. Yet, he did his best to support my brother and me. Without ever being thanked, he silently continued to pour his love into us from behind the scenes... My father's hands were like the compassion of the Buddha, always watching over us. I felt a deep, deep sense of gratitude welling up from the depths of my soul.

As the feelings of blaming my father dissolved

As my gratitude towards my father deepened, the feelings of blaming him vanished like a lie, and an indescribable sense of happiness spread in my heart. The uterine fibroid I had been worried about was clearly diagnosed as not cancerous during a check-up in July.
Through the cloud monk training, I gained many insights into my heart, and I felt my heart, which had always been somewhat lonely and heavy, becoming lighter day by day. My fear of men completely disappeared. And above all, I, who could only think pessimistically about my future, was able to sincerely believe that 'the future is bright.' This was because I experienced firsthand that, as Ryuho Okawa taught, 'The power of thought can open up the future.'
When I next meet my father, I want to sincerely say, 'Thank you.' I want to reunite with my brother and convey this true teaching. The enormous black cloud of hatred towards my father that had covered and tormented my heart. I was able to transform that into gratitude through the teachings of Happy Science. Without those teachings, I believe I would still be harboring hatred towards my father.

Excerpted message from the lecture 'Trials and Independence of Children' open_in_new

Would you like to find and solve your 'problem set of life'?

We offer life consultations

Happy Science supports the resolution of troubles and the improvement of life. If you have worries or consultations, please come to the branch. Experienced branch leaders and instructors who have trained in Happy Science will listen to you. We will keep your privacy and secrets, so please feel free to talk.

Feel free to contact your nearest branch or temple. open_in_new

Since its broadcast began in 1991, the radio program 'Angel's Morning Call' open_in_new has continued to be loved by many listeners.

'The Key to Opening the Path of Salvation' open_in_new