Overcoming decades of hellish life filled with domestic violence and massive debts, I found happiness【A Testimony of a Happy Science Believer】

The admired senior

I met A, who would later become my partner, when I was a high school student. A, who was the president of the choir club I joined, had a beautiful bass voice and was a senior I admired, even belonging to a television station's choir despite being a high school student. After we started dating, he would always take me home after club activities, and our relationship was approved by my parents. After graduating high school, A got a job at the waterworks bureau and joined an amateur choir. Eventually, when I also became a working adult, discussions about marriage progressed between our families, and the engagement ceremony took place when he was 23 and I was 21. However, I was harboring an anxiety I couldn't share with anyone.

His hand raised

He had another side to him. At first, we were having a light conversation. When I mentioned, 'I'm going to the movies with friends next week,' he suddenly became sullen and bluntly denied it, saying, 'You’re not going.' I felt irritated and replied, 'Why not?' At that moment, I felt pain on my cheek. He hit me out of nowhere, and I couldn't even scream. As our relationship continued, he began to raise his hand against me.
I also felt resistance to being controlled by him. Even in the choir, he would become sullen if I talked to other men. What troubled me more was that he would crash the social gatherings held at my workplace every month and forcibly take me home. It was terrible if I sat next to a man. 'Mom, I don’t want to marry A...' I confided in my mother out of desperation. But she dismissed my concerns, saying, 'You can marry the second son of a wealthy farmer.'

The husband who doesn't work

Two years after we got married. One day, just before I was about to quit my job due to my first pregnancy, I called my husband's workplace and discovered a shocking fact.
'A quit a few months ago. Didn’t you know, ma'am?'
When I hurried back to our apartment, I found my husband watching TV in a dark room with the curtains closed.
'How did you manage to take your lunch every day?' I pressed him, but it was futile. Whenever I brought up work, it would lead to fights, and I would just get hit. Surely he would start working once the baby was born—such expectations were quickly betrayed, and even after three children were born three years apart, my husband never held a steady job. I had no choice but to take part-time jobs while leaving the children with someone.

Debt

My husband's betrayal didn't stop there. It was with loan sharks. Even when I questioned him about his spending, he remained silent. After having his family shoulder 2 million yen in debt, another 4 million yen in debt was discovered. This time, my parents struggled to help. However, a few years later, another 8 million yen in debt... Men resembling gangsters would come shouting day and night, but my husband would escape through the back door, leaving me to deal with it. Threatening phone calls kept coming, and I piled cushions on the phone to put the children to sleep. Later, I learned that my husband, who grew up in a wealthy family without knowing hardship, couldn't work diligently, squandered money on the azuki bean market, and, disliking a life of poverty, spent money on expensive clothes and food.

If I die...

When my children were in middle school, my husband's fourth debt was discovered. The amount was 12 million yen. I finally fell ill with autonomic dysfunction and sought psychiatric help. 'The only way for him to change is for me to die,' I couldn't shake that thought from my mind, and I took all the pills I had saved and walked into a snow-covered mountain. As my consciousness faded, the faces of my children appeared.
When I regained consciousness, I was lying on my own futon at home. In the end, unable to die, I took on five jobs to support my family's living and pay off the debts, working from early morning until late at night. Before I knew it, over twenty years had passed, filled with debts, work, and days chased by time. By the time my youngest child was in high school, the debts from loan sharks had ballooned to over 20 million yen across 14 places.

Living hell

Eventually, when the children became independent and it was just the two of us, my husband's violence worsened. He would drink every night, and if he was in a bad mood, he would drink heavily, drag me out of bed, and hit and kick me... There were times I fled barefoot in the snow. I would sleep with my shoes on, clutching the car keys.
Day after day, living in fear and hatred of my husband felt like a living hell. How many times have I regretted that if I had broken off the engagement back then, my life wouldn't have turned out this way? In between work, I bought psychology and philosophy books from the 100 yen shelf at used bookstores, read them, and resold them for a few dozen yen to buy the next book.

Turning point

The turning point came suddenly, like a ray of light. One day, while cleaning at my part-time job at a hospital, I found several religious books.
'Wow. I love books like this,' I said to the director's wife, who replied, 'Please read them. They're really good books,' and gave them to me. Those religious books were by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new in the “Law Series” open_in_new. That night, I started reading in bed and couldn't stop.
(This is different from the books I've read before. It contains what I need)
I read with such enthusiasm that I even sacrificed sleep. Each book was filled with answers to life. I couldn't grasp everything in one read, so I went back to the same book over and over again.
('The three poisons of the heart*'—I have those in my heart too. But the one who needs to reflect is A. I'm not at fault.)
While I was moved by the content of the books, I continued to blame my husband in my heart.

*The three poisons of the heart: Representative afflictions that lead to unhappiness. Greed is the mind of greed, anger is the mind of anger, and ignorance is the foolish mind.

The feelings I had bottled up

'That book was so moving,' I told the director's wife, who invited me to a gathering of Happy Science. At my first gathering, I opened up about the decades of domestic violence and debts. My bottled-up feelings overflowed like a dam breaking, and I couldn't stop crying.
'T, you've really been through a lot,' they said. 'But no matter how painful life is, with the teachings of Happy Science, you can definitely find happiness.'
'Let's take the Three Refuges* together and learn.'
I decided to follow everyone's encouragement.
(With this religion, I might really be able to find happiness...)
'T, domestic violence is influenced by evil spirits. If you read this “Shoshin Hōgo,” the light of Buddha will drive away the evil spirits, so it's good to read it every day.'
From that day on, I began reading the fundamental scripture “Buddha's Teachings: Shoshin Hōgo” open_in_new.

*Three Refuges: The vow to take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. A ritual for entering the faith.
*“Buddha's Teachings: Shoshin Hōgo” open_in_new: The fundamental scripture of Happy Science, containing seven important verses. Reading it daily connects you with the heavenly realm, wards off evil spirits, and empowers you to carve out your life.

Changing my heart

'I was hit by my dad again yesterday,' I reported to the branch manager whenever something happened.
'T, you're having a tough time, but first, you need to be grateful to your husband.'
'But branch manager, how can I be grateful when I'm being hit and in debt...'
'Because you keep blaming him, the violence won't stop. First, you need to change your heart to see your husband's good points. That's the training of the heart.'
(Ah, that's right. It was written in Ryuho Okawa's book too. But no matter what, resentment keeps coming up, and gratitude...)
One time, I had the opportunity to visit the Nasu Seika of Happy Science with everyone from the branch. Surrounded by mountains, Nasu Seika is a place as beautiful as heaven. Walking through the spacious grounds and praying in front of the large stupa of El Cantare*, I felt a strange sensation as my resentment towards my husband seemed to vanish. (What is this? I've never felt such happiness before.) I thought how wonderful it would be to live every day with such peaceful feelings.
'Humans are born with life challenges set for the purpose of soul training,' I learned. My challenge is harmony with my husband. I sincerely wanted to forgive him and be grateful.

*El Cantare statue: The main deity symbolizing El Cantare, the supreme god of Earth and the fundamental Buddha of the universe. It is enshrined in Happy Science's branches open_in_new and seika open_in_new.

Wanting to change myself

On the days when the director of Nasu Seika open_in_new came to the branch, I consulted about my husband and sought guidance.
'T, when your husband leaves, go to the entrance and say, “Have a good day.” Then, after closing the door, say, “Dad, thank you for your hard work today.”'
I decided to give it a try. 'A, have a good day.' At first, it was hard to say such words. But once I could say it once, it became easier the next time. I told myself, 'Nothing will change if I don't do it,' and made an effort to express gratitude. And truly, the atmosphere at home became calmer. However, if I ever took a condescending attitude towards my husband, I would be hit again.
'Just when I thought things were getting better, I was hit again.'
'Then, try saying kinder words.'
Progressing three steps and retreating two, harmony with my husband didn't come easily. However, the fact that I, who had always thought, 'My unhappiness is my husband's fault,' began to believe in the law of the heart that 'I can find happiness by changing my heart' and practiced it, gradually feeling happiness, was nothing short of a miracle.
Meanwhile, my husband would get angry when I went to the branch or seika, saying, 'Come home quickly!' I wished he would awaken to faith too.

Sudden announcement

At the end of December, my husband suddenly collapsed from heart disease.
'It's an enlarged heart. Ma'am, please prepare yourself. I don't know if he'll last until the end of the year...'
Confused by the sudden announcement, I laid my husband down at home and headed to the branch. The director was there and taught me how to perform the healing ritual 'El Cantare Healing'* and the evil spirit repelling ritual 'El Cantare Fight.'
'When you get home, do this ritual for your husband.'
When I returned home, my husband was clutching his chest, unable to breathe...
'A, please pray with me!' I desperately prayed to Buddha. I offered the 'Shoshin Hōgo,' 'Prayer to the Lord,' 'Prayer to the Guardian and Guiding Spirits,' 'Prayer for Healing,' and 'Prayer to Repel Evil Spirits,' and performed the rituals I had learned for my husband.
(Now, I’ll leave the rest to heaven—)

*El Cantare Healing: A ritual performed using the 'Prayer for Healing' included in 'Prayer Document (1).'
*El Cantare Fight: A ritual performed using the 'Prayer to Repel Evil Spirits' included in 'Prayer Document (1).'

Receiving a miracle

'A, how are you feeling?'
'I was in so much pain, but when T prayed, I felt better. I slept well.'
My husband looked like a different person, appearing refreshed. It was as if the suffering he had endured until yesterday, unable to lie down, was a lie.
'Dad, that's great! We received a miracle.'
Since then, my husband began to ask me, 'Hey, pray for me.' During the prayers, he would clasp his hands together, seemingly feeling something—. Then a few days later, my husband suddenly said he wanted to take the Three Refuges, which surprised me. The branch manager welcomed him joyfully.
'A, do you take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha?'
'Yes. I vow to take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.'
My husband, pledging his faith to the main deity, looked like a different person.
Six days after being told he had only a few days to live, we went back to the hospital, and the attending physician was puzzled.
'How did he get better so suddenly...?'
We exchanged glances and laughed.

Dream-like days

The following year was like a dream.
'Hey, let's pray together!'
Praying together became our daily routine. My husband's favorite sutra was the fifth one in 'Buddha's Teachings: Shoshin Hōgo,' 'Words of Liberation: Buddha's Teachings on the Eightfold Path.'

'Calmly look within yourself and grasp the true nature of your heart'
'First, calm the flames of affliction, and remove the thoughts of attachment.'
(From 'Buddha's Teachings: Eightfold Path')

'Living with this kind of heart is important...' I reflected on my own heart as I watched my husband reread the sutras.
(I thought I was the victim, but my strong ego had drawn out my husband's anger.)

Sometimes, when we had a verbal fight and didn't pray, my husband would feel pain in his heart. So we would reflect on ourselves, pray, and his heart would feel relieved.

Days of experiencing the power of faith

Every month, visiting Nasu Seika to express our gratitude became our joy. With our eyes closed inside the large stupa, we listened to beautiful meditation music.
'I love it here. I could stay forever.'
My husband loved music, and even when he went to Europe for a choral goodwill concert, he was praised by famous conductors for his singing talent. When I faced him with a calm heart, I began to see many of his forgotten strengths and the brilliance of his soul. One time, my husband quietly said to me,
'Hey T, your best quality is your smile.'
His unexpected words conveyed his kindness to me.
(I had always labeled him as a villain and kept blaming him... A, I'm sorry. From now on, let's live happily together, making up for the past.)

I want to meet you again in heaven

However, just as we began to walk the path of faith together for exactly one year, my husband was hospitalized again due to heart disease. During the week he was in the ICU, I read 'Shoshin Hōgo' to him every day, and he repeatedly said, 'Thank you, thank you.' He even worried about me, saying, 'Be careful on your way home.' Those were his last words.
At my husband's funeral, three choirs came to sing farewell songs, bidding him goodbye. I believe my husband’s soul was deeply grateful to everyone who sent him off with the choir he loved. As I gradually sorted through his belongings, I found his diary from when he was 18. When I opened it, I saw my name written on every page.
'I wish for T to be healthy today as well.'
The meticulous handwriting filling the pages brought back vivid memories, and tears flowed.
(A cared for me this much. We had always been passing each other by...)
Our 40 years together were filled with painful days of blaming each other. However, in the last year, we lived together so harmoniously that all past unhappiness was erased, filled with boundless happiness.
I believe that the joy of faith engraved in our souls in this life is our greatest treasure.
Human life is a continuous cycle of reincarnation to polish the soul. I hope that when we are reborn in the next life, we will have an even more wonderful relationship... With that wish, I want to cherish the days ahead with faith. A, I look forward to the day we meet in heaven.