Praying for the happiness of the baby who became a star

I was born in 1975 in a rural town far from downtown Osaka. My parents divorced shortly after I was born, and my mother raised me and my older brother, who is four years older, on her own.

My mother was always working and was hardly home, so I grew up without knowing family gatherings. Moreover, from the time I became aware, my mother and brother were constantly fighting, and knives were sometimes brought out... I lived in fear and anxiety.

After my brother became independent, I became a hairdresser at 19 and worked while living with my mother. One day, a staff member at a pub I frequented recommended the scriptures 'The Law of the Sun' open_in_new'The Law of Gold' open_in_new'The Law of Eternity' open_in_new, and since I loved reading, I decided to give them a try. I was amazed to learn that the afterlife truly exists and that there are gods and Buddhas who created humans. The more I read, the more joy I felt that I had never experienced before, and it felt like light was shining into my previously dark heart. Before long, I became a believer and began to believe that (Lord El Cantare open_in_new, President Ryuho Okawa open_in_new was born on Earth as the savior).

I met my husband when I was 27. He worked in the meat industry and was a sincere person. A few months after we started dating, I found out I was pregnant, and we decided to get married. However, just as we were preparing for the ceremony, I experienced bleeding and abdominal pain, and I miscarried my first child at four weeks.

(That's so...)

I was in shock and was physically and mentally exhausted.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, it was decided that I would live with my in-laws. As expected, after moving in, I felt mentally drained and irritated every day... Perhaps due to the stress, I also miscarried my second and third children. Following the advice of a fellow believer, I received a memorial service for the 'Buddhist Sutra of the Wish: 'Memorial Service for Beloved Children and Miscarried Babies' at a branch of the Science of Happiness, which became my only salvation.

One day, I unexpectedly ran into a friend from high school. In her arms was a baby... I couldn't help but feel envious.

Overcome with jealousy, I confided my troubles to the branch leader of the Science of Happiness.

"That must be tough... Life is like a problem set, and perhaps you are being asked, 'Can you bless those who have been able to have children even in your suffering?'"

(I can't do that...)

But I didn't want to remain in pain, so I tried to bless them in my heart by saying (Congratulations). At first, I couldn't feel it from the heart, but little by little, my heart began to follow, and gradually my suffering eased, and I became more peaceful.

One day, my father-in-law opposed my faith and told me to 'leave,' so I stopped living with them, and my husband and I began a life together.

(I want a child, but there is also the teaching that 'attachment can become the source of suffering,' so I wonder if I shouldn't become attached.) I gradually entered a state of resignation and started working. Since I love children, I chose to be a bus attendant for a kindergarten.

Then, a year after starting work, I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. Along with joy, the fear of (What if I miscarry again...) crossed my mind. Therefore, when I heard the heartbeat, I was truly overjoyed. I had learned in the Science of Happiness that 'the soul enters the fetus at nine weeks,' so when I passed the nine-week mark and entered the stable period, I felt relieved.

Then, on a hot summer day, I gave birth to the long-awaited baby. It was a girl. It was a difficult delivery that took three days, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's body three times. It seemed hard for her to breathe, and after being slapped on the back several times, she finally let out her first cry.

(I, I finally heard the first cry...)

It was my first time holding a baby.

(Ah, how cute...)

My husband and I cried tears of joy together.

The first experience of parenting was tough, as my eldest daughter woke up every hour at night.

(Being a mother is really hard...)

While soothing my eldest daughter, I suddenly remembered my mother. When I was in kindergarten and had asthma, my mother would put me on her bicycle and take me to the hospital every day. She would apply a soothing ointment to help me breathe easier.

(Thank you, Mom...)

Feelings of gratitude towards my mother welled up.

After that, I gave birth to my second daughter. One day, my father-in-law collapsed due to a stomach ulcer.

Feeling guilty for having stopped living with them, I helped by bringing clothes and washing my father-in-law's hair. He was a quiet man, but he said, "Thank you" softly. While caring for him, I realized that (because my in-laws gave birth to my husband, I am now able to create a family with him and live happily).

Two weeks after being hospitalized, my father-in-law was discharged. After that, my in-laws listened to President Okawa's teachings and began to show understanding of the faith, eventually joining the Science of Happiness.

When I visited my husband's family, my in-laws lovingly held my eldest and second daughters. Thanks to my daughters, the resentment I had towards my in-laws began to dissolve.

After a while, I gave birth to my third daughter. A year later, I became pregnant with my fourth baby. As I entered the tenth month of pregnancy, three days before the due date, I woke up one morning and felt no fetal movement, so I went to the obstetrics and gynecology department. When the ultrasound examination began, the nurses started to bustle around, and the doctor looked puzzled, saying, "Huh?" When I cautiously asked, "Is everything okay?"... "...Shiroyama-san, there is no heartbeat for the baby. I'm sorry, but it's a stillbirth..."

(...What!?)

An indescribable sense of despair. The doctor explained that I would have to deliver the deceased baby normally. Holding my large belly, I left the examination room in tears, where my husband and young daughters were waiting anxiously. My daughter ran up to me.

"Mom, what happened?"

The moment I saw my children—my suppressed emotions overflowed, and I hugged my daughters and cried out loud.

(I'm so glad to have these children...) I have no memory of how I spent the three days until the delivery. It felt as if my soul had been extracted. And three days later, when I finally held the stillborn baby that had been delivered, it felt as if she were just sleeping.

(I can't believe it. It's just that there was no cry!)

The midwife was also sobbing.

And the next day, there was the cremation... I felt as if a hole had opened in my chest, and it was so painful that the thought of 'suicide' crossed my mind.

(Why is this happening...)

神仏に問いかけ、さまざまな仏法真理の書にあたりました。経典『光ある時を生きよ』 open_in_newにある、悩みのときこそ笑顔を浮かべることの大切さが説かれた詩篇（しへん）が私の心を力強く励はげましてくれたのです。

絶望のまま日が過ぎ、あまりに苦しくて、幸福の科学の大阪正心館 open_in_newに駆け込みました。すると、ある女性講師が、私の話を時に涙を浮かべながら聞いてくれました。「その子は、苦しまずに、スッと天上界に引き上げられたんですね......。なにか使命をお持ちのように感じます。大切なことを教えてくれているのかもしれません」

「そうなんでしょうか......」

「きっと、この出来事の奥には、神仏の深い愛が隠れているのではないでしょうか。海よりも、深い深い愛が......」

（"海"と"愛"......。ハッ！）

鳥肌が立ちました。実は私は赤ちゃんに"海"と"愛"が付く名前にしようとしていたのです。

そして同時に、ふとあるインスピレーションが降りてきました。

（そうか、妊娠することも、元気な赤ちゃんを出産することも、当たり前じゃない。命は神仏からの授かりものなんだ―）

私は今まで3人の娘を次々と授かったので、（次の子も普通に生まれるわ）と傲慢（ごうまん）だったことを反省しました。そして、（赤ちゃんは、命の尊さを私に教えるために、来てくれたんだ）と確信しました。名前の通り、海より深い愛の心で、私に気づきを与えてくれたのです。

「お母さんがしょんぼりしたままだと、その子は使命を果たせないと思うんです」

（それはあかん！）

私の心に、バシーッと光が入りました。

その後、私は「愛念（あいねん）供養祈願」を受けました。

（救世主に会うこともなく、ただ私に気づきを与えるために来てくれて、ありがとう）

不思議と、悲しみが感謝の心に変わっていくのを感じました。

それからは、些細なことにも神仏や家族に感謝するようになりました。娘たちのわがまますら愛おしいのです。四女の産声を聞けなかった私には、わがままが言えること自体が、生きている証だったからです。

（どうか、また生まれ変わってきて―）

そう願いながら過ごしていたある日。

精舎（※）で神秘的な体験をしました。精舎研修中、急に子宮がブワーッと熱くなっていったのです。そして......。

（授かる―）

―そう直感しました。そして驚くことにその翌月、妊娠が分かったのです。

その後、なんと私の誕生日に、元気な男の子を出産しました。産声が聞こえたときには心からホッとしました。

（人生最大の誕生日プレゼントや―。主よ、ありがとうございます......）

その後、一つ問題が起きました。長女が中学受験を迎え、幸福の科学学園 open_in_newへの入学を考えていたものの、そのころの主人は信仰にあまり理解がなく、受験にも反対だったのです。そんなとき、精舎で「両親に対する反省と感謝」研修を受けました。

まずは母に思いを馳せました。実は私は未熟児で生まれ、「3日もたない」と医師から言われていたそうです。そのため死産を通して、母のつらさを感じ、育ててくれたことに感謝が深まっていきました。

また、私の母は水商売をしていて、お金持ちで妻子ある人の愛人でした。そのため、私が浮かべる男性像は"優しくてお金をくれる人"。主人のことも「働いて稼ぐのは当たり前」と思い、感謝していませんでした。

（本当にごめんなさい......）

それからは主人を献身（けんしん）的に支えようと思い、「妻の心得・十箇条」研修を受けました。日々、研修の学びである「感謝を伝えること」などを実践すると、夫婦仲が深まり、精舎にも夫婦で行けるようになったのです。そして、導かれるように、知人から精肉屋さんをゆずり受け、お店をオープン。夫婦一緒にお店で働き始めました。主人の姿が頼もしくて、心から尊敬できるようになりました。その後、次女の幸福の科学学園進学に賛同してくれ、家庭も全員が信仰を持ち、円満になっていきました。

私は今、思うことがあります。幸福の科学では、人はあの世とこの世を何度も生まれ変わって魂修行をしていると学びますが、「もしかしたら、死産した赤ちゃんの魂が、長男になって生まれ変わってきてくれたのかもしれない」と感じています。人生で一番きつかった死産も、信仰のおかげで乗り越えられました。ご褒美のような家族をいただいたことへの感謝を胸に、報恩の人生を歩んでいきます。

Sさんは、どのように死産や流産から立ち直っていったのでしょうか。

POINT1 あの世を信じ、赤ちゃんの供養（くよう）をした

幸福の科学では、「人は死んだら終わりではなく、魂は永遠である」と学びます。Sさんは、子どもが成仏して天国で幸せに暮らせるよう、「仏説・願文『愛児・水子供養経』」や「愛念供養祈願」などの祈願を受けました。そのなかで、赤ちゃんに救いの光が臨（の）ぞむとともに、Sさんの悲しみも少しずつ癒いえていったのです。

POINT2 一人で抱えず相談し、苦しみの意味を見い出した

Sさんは、死産や流産の苦しみを一人で抱え込まず、幸福の科学の支部長や講師に相談しましたIn that, I was able to realize that "through stillbirth, the baby taught me the preciousness of life," and light entered my heart that was at rock bottom, giving me the strength to recover.