The experience of the eldest son regaining composure through gentle words【Personal Experience】

The eldest son who cannot stop being violent

"I am very sorry. I will be careful not to let this happen again..."
I went to apologize with my eldest son to the house of the opponent he injured during a fight. How many times has it been now? He always ends up getting into fights with friends. The communication notebook often has notes asking us to be careful about violence. We have gone to apologize as a parent and child more than once or twice.
When I asked my son, he only said, "They started it. I didn't do anything."
In the third grade, the school told us, "Since the violence doesn't stop, please consult the child consultation center." After counseling, it was concluded that there was no problem with the child, and instead, they said, "Since he has a high IQ, please raise him well without nagging too much."

"Please stop nagging"

However, one morning he said, "My stomach hurts," and from that day on, he couldn't go to school. At the hospital, they said, "There is nothing wrong with his body, so it might be mental stress," and I was warned by the doctor not to nag.
(Is this happening because of me?)
I remembered that I had received the same feedback before.
Still, as days went by in a rush, I didn't reflect on my own attitude.
With the cooperation of the homeroom teacher, my son's school refusal ended in about two weeks. Even during that time, every time I got irritated, I would scold him harshly or speak without thinking.
Around the same time, I had the opportunity to attend a training session on “Guidelines for the Heart” open_in_new held at the Happy Science open_in_new temple open_in_new with a friend. The words of President Ryuho Okawa open_in_new, which resonated with my heart, and the exquisite space of the temple were comforting, and for that moment, I was able to regain the calm heart I had long forgotten.
And I began to see myself more clearly.
When I thought about my son, the image of myself always scolding and encouraging him harshly came to mind repeatedly. When I become desperate about one thing, I tend to lose sight of other things. When it came to kendo, my mind was filled with it, and I would think, "I want him to win the match" and "I don't want him to slack off in practice," and I would inevitably become nagging.
I realized that I had high expectations for my son and was imposing my ideals on him. When he said he wanted to quit kendo, I would unilaterally press him, saying, "If you don't try hard now, when will you? You can't just give up halfway!" without even trying to listen to his feelings.
Thinking of my son silently crying, unable to retort against my strong attitude, I felt as if I could hear his inner voice saying, "Please see my good points too. I want you to acknowledge me."

Adjusting my words and actively praising

Before I knew it, the monthly "Guidelines for the Heart" training had become an important time for me to reset my feelings.
When I was pressed for time and fatigue accumulated, I would become hysterical and find myself spouting terrible words in quick succession, and while feeling pathetic, thinking (why am I saying such terrible things?), I was able to face the unpleasant side of myself that would not stop once I started.
In the midst of that, I finally made the decision to seriously face my son.
I let him quit kendo, which he had wanted to stop for a long time, and I made an effort to actively praise him. Even for small help, I would say, "That helps a lot. You're reliable," and I started to encourage him.
After a while, my son became very calm. He started to help out enthusiastically, saying, "I'll take care of the bath."
Seeing such changes made me deeply realize the importance of warmly watching over my child as a mother.
Now, I feel that it is not only important to be strict but also to believe in the child's inherent abilities and to have the kindness to embrace them as a mother. Through parenting, I feel like I am being asked daily how much I can trust my child.

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