アルコール依存症、幻聴から人生を立て直すことができた【幸福の科学 信仰体験】

アルコール依存症

「Tくん･･･君、アル中やで」

今から10年以上前のことです。ある日、職場の同僚がしんみりとした口調で忠告してくれました。

そう言われたものの、「別に朝からカップ酒をあおっているわけでもないし、そんなはずないだろう」と思っていました。

しかし、夜な夜なスナックに行ってはボトル2本を空けていた自分。間もなく「アルコール依存症」の疑いで入院し、結婚したばかりの妻にも離婚されてしまいました。

夜、真っ暗な病院のベッドの上で、僕はひとり後悔の涙を流しました。

ひと夏の恋

僕が酒におぼれはじめたのは、専門学校1年のときの失恋がきっかけでした。

相手は、夏休みに大阪から兵庫に帰郷した際、スーパーのバイト先で出会った可愛らしい女性。僕と同い年で、向こうから声をかけてきたのが始まりです。明るくて積極的な子でした。

楽しかった夏休みはあっという間に過ぎ、僕が大阪の専門学校に戻るとき、彼女は「また手紙を書くね」と言いました。

それから何度か手紙のやりとりをしましたが、2カ月が過ぎたころ、急にパッタリと連絡が途絶えてしまいました。

気をもんだ僕は、直接、彼女の職場まで行ってみました。

「—やあ、久しぶりやな」

僕が声をかけると、彼女は一瞬びっくりして、目をそらしました。

「ちょっと･･･今日は帰らなあかんねん」

すると、突然そこに知らない男が近づいてきて、いきなり僕に見せつけるようにラブシーン･･･。あまりのショックに声も出ませんでした。

彼女は僕が大阪に戻ってすぐ、別の男をつくっていたのです。それからというもの、失恋がすっかりトラウマになってしまいました。「もう彼女なんか作らん」と、恋愛から遠ざかって勉強に専念しようと自分に言い聞かせました。

医療系の専門学校で、3年間がんばって国家試験に通れば、臨床検査技師の資格がとれるはずでした。

学校の女の子から交際を申し込まれたことも何度かありますが、いつも僕は「ハハハ･･･」と笑ってごまかすばかり。新しく好きな女の子もできました。でも、傷つくのが怖くて、友達以上の関係になるのを意識的に避けていました。

「もう誰とも付き合わない」と言い聞かせる自分と、異性を求めてしまう自分。二つの心が激しく葛藤していました。

夕方、下宿で独りっきりになると、気持ちが沈んできます。ふらりと近くの酒屋に足が向き、いちばん安いハイニッカ2級とセブンスター1箱を買うのでした。三畳一間の部屋にこもると、ヘッドホンでローリング・ストーンズを聴きながら、タバコを吸っては黙々と酒を飲みます。おつまみなどありません。

女の子のことを忘れたくて飲んでいるのに、酔っ払ってくると、決まって好きな子のことを悶々と考えていました。

次第に酒量が増え、勉強に身が入らなくなってしまった僕は、2年生を2回留年し、退学になってしまいました。

仕事が続かない

失意の帰郷—。しばらくは何もする気が起きず、ボーッと1カ月過ごしました。

「そろそろ、なんか仕事でも見つけないと･･･。とりあえず車の免許とろう」

自分から教習所に通い、職安にも行きました。そうして見つけた初めての仕事は、養殖魚のエサに添加するビタミン剤を製造する会社でした。

初めての社会人生活。けれども、毎日働いていても、これを一生続けていくのかと思うとピンきません。人間関係も表面的で、仕事を離れたお付き合いもありません。結局、1年でやめてしまいました。

僕はすぐに職安で別の仕事を見つけました。今度はスーツの縫製会社です。僕は内職先に車で材料を配送する係で、前より人間関係もよく、毎日の仕事にとりたてて不満はありませんでした。

でも、あちこち車を走らせながら思うことは、「理数系が得意だったし、なにか化学方面の仕事をやってみたい。もう一度勉強しなおそうか」ということです。

1年後、大阪の専門学校を受験し、合格。仕事を辞め、下宿先まで決めました。

ところが、実際に下宿先に行くと、ガチャガチャとやかましく、とても勉強に集中できそうな環境ではありません。急に強い不安がこみあげました。

「これじゃ昔の二の舞になる･･･もうあんなの二度といやや！」

意欲が萎えてしまった僕は、入学を取り消し、実家に帰ってきてしまいました。

それからは、ありとあらゆる仕事を転々としました。工場の流れ作業、スーパーの裏方、営業職、病院の事務、水質分析、浄化槽の清掃汲み取り･･･僕もまだ若かったですし、好景気の時代でしたので、行けば雇ってもらえます。でも、どこも長続きせず、半年続けばいいほうでした。

「また仕事やめたんか！」と、いつも親にうるさく怒られます。しかたなく次の仕事につきますが、どこに行っても腰を落ち着ける気にはなれません。

「収入さえ得られれば、仕事なんてなんでもいい。いつか物書きにでもなりたい」。そうはいっても、実際にコツコツ作品を書きためるわけでもありません。

相変わらず酒ばかり飲んで、たまに気が向けば文学賞に応募するといった具合でした。専門学校を退学になってからの毎日は、いきあたりばったりで過ぎていきました。

新婚生活もつかの間･･･

「おまえもそろそろ身を固めたらどうや」

相変わらず、すぐに仕事をやめてしまう僕を両親は心配し、20代後半になると何度もお見合いさせました。

ちょうど30歳のときのお見合いは、いつになく両親の気合が入っていました。僕が相手の女性と向かい合っている隣のテーブルでは、両親同士がもう結婚式の話をしているのです。

（この子と結婚することになるんかな）

僕としても別に嫌いなタイプではなかったし、お見合いからわずか3カ月後には結婚式を挙げていました。そして、ほどなく妻は妊娠。新しい生活は順調にスタートしたかに見えました。

ところが—。出産のために里帰りした妻は、そのまま二度と帰ってきませんでした。

「あの子が『離婚したい』と言っています」

I was told by my wife's mother. It was just a year of married life.

The cause of the divorce was, after all, alcohol.

During my wife's pregnancy, I didn't say a single kind word to her and always went out drinking, leaving her alone. At the snack bar, I would finish two bottles every time. When I got drunk, I was just so irresponsible, always getting wasted until I lost consciousness, and often coming home in the morning.

Then, one day while my wife was at her parents' house, I suddenly felt both physically and mentally exhausted, and submitted my resignation while still hungover... It's no wonder that my pregnant wife felt a strong anxiety about our future.

I really messed up...

Soon, I was hospitalized for suspected alcohol dependence, and I shed tears of regret in bed, but it was already too late.

A creepy voice that I couldn't see

Fortunately, it seemed that my dependence was still mild, and after being hospitalized, I didn't experience withdrawal symptoms and naturally distanced myself from alcohol. However, a more serious problem than alcohol arose. After my discharge, I suddenly began to hear strange voices.

I couldn't see them, but around the window outside the room, there were about three or four women gathered, talking about rumors of divorce and other vulgar things.

(Stop it! What the hell is going on?)

Even when I watched TV, turned on the car radio, passed by people on the street, or interacted with convenience store clerks and customers, I felt like everyone was pointing at me and speaking ill of me.

The auditory hallucinations began as soon as I woke up and continued incessantly throughout the day. I felt like I was going crazy.

Even when I received nerve medication at the hospital, it didn't work at all. However, when I took the medication, I became excessively hungry and quickly fell asleep. My weight kept increasing, I became reluctant to move, and I got tired easily.

I could no longer work properly. I gave up on becoming a full-time employee and looked for part-time jobs of about three hours, but I couldn't endure the auditory hallucinations that I heard everywhere I went, and I kept quitting after just starting...

My parents couldn't understand my condition at all.

"Why aren't you working? You can talk normally, eat, and even drive, can't you?"

(There's no way they could understand this, no matter how I explained. It's pointless to talk...)

I had no energy to explain, and even when my parents scolded me, I just remained silent like a clam.

Words I encountered at rock bottom

As two or three years passed, I became almost unable to work at all and started to stay home and lie down. The voices I heard from morning until I fell asleep made me feel like everyone was speaking ill of me, and I became unable to trust anyone due to fear. I have almost attempted suicide several times.

"I'm at my limit. What should I do..."

I didn't know how to fight against the auditory hallucinations, and my mental and physical strength were running out.

One day, I lay on my back in my futon and was reading a book by Ryuho Okawa. I had been buying it occasionally at bookstores for a few years.

As I flipped through the pages of 'The Law of the Sun' open_in_new with a dazed mind,

—Believe in me, come together—

those words jumped into my eyes.

I was startled.

It felt as if I was being called out to directly.

The words "Come here" resonated gently in my heart, which had been fearful and unable to believe anything, and tears flowed for no reason.

(I want to believe in this person's words. I will believe in these words and try to follow them honestly.)

I boldly called the phone number for Happy Science listed at the end of the book. They told me about the local branch. Three days later, I visited the branch and joined.

Cried for me

Every day, I read the scriptures of Happy Science, 'Buddha's Teachings: The Right Heart Sutra' and 'Prayer Texts', with a desperate feeling.

After a while, a Happy Science base was established near my home. When I visited the base, a woman who had been working quietly stopped and welcomed me warmly. She was K-san, the head of the base.

At first, I couldn't speak very well. I think K-san was also confused.

"Actually, I'm an alcoholic, and I hear strange voices... I'm almost bedridden."

As I gradually talked about my condition, K-san shed tears. There was someone who cried for me... That made my heart warm. I also ended up crying.

"T-san, from now on, let's become happier and happier together."

"Yes, thank you very much."

When I went to the base, K-san always gave me kind and detailed advice.

"Even if it's just a little bit, let's become useful to Buddha."

"I will also help in some way."

After that, I started to do light volunteer work at the base once or twice a week on days when I felt good. I was asked to run errands, sort propaganda magazines, and stamp at the base. However, since I was still in a state of sleeping and waking every day, I got tired after just helping for an hour at first and had to lie down right there.

When I got home, I prayed, read books of truth, and reflected on my past.

I also went to the temple and took training such as "Reflection and Gratitude towards Parents". I reflected on the trouble I caused my parents and sisters. The lack of consideration I had for my wife... Following what I learned in training, I reflected on my life in five-year segments.

As I desperately worked on this, my physical condition gradually improved, and the number of times I could go to the base and the hours of volunteering increased. Through these activities, my heart began to feel more vibrant.

Encouraged by my Happy Science friends...

The people of Happy Science are bright and good people, and the time I spent at the base was the most enjoyable for me. However, the auditory hallucinations did not stop.

"I can't help but think that the people at the base are speaking ill of me."

During such times, I remind myself. "No, that's not true. These good people wouldn't speak ill of me. Master Okawa also said that others don't care as much as you think."

I also learned that drinking too much alcohol can make one more susceptible to being possessed by evil spirits.

In difficult times, the book "A Guide to Happiness" open_in_new became a source of support for my heart. I repeatedly encouraged myself, saying, "I am also a child of Buddha, and I have the Buddha nature that shines like a diamond. I just need to polish it."

"Mr. T, let's deliver the propagation magazines to the local people, whether it's 3 copies or 5 copies."

I also started distributing propagation magazines with Mr. K.

I felt that my physical and mental condition was steadily improving day by day. Furthermore, someone from the same base recommended a tape of President Ryuho Okawa's Dharma talk, saying, "Hey T-kun, listen to this."

Until then, I had trouble sleeping due to auditory hallucinations, but listening to the Dharma talk before bed made me feel more relaxed, and I was able to sleep very well. I listened to it almost every night.

Something slipped out of my ear.

A few years ago, I asked my parents, who were selling groceries, "Please let me help with the work." I started waking up early to go to the market for supplies and began loading goods into the car to make rounds.

After a while, my sister, who became interested in Happy Science, converted. Six months later, my parents also converted. Discussions about faith naturally began to arise at home.

Then, one day, more than two years had passed since I started listening to President Ryuho Okawa's Dharma talk tapes before bed.

As I closed my eyes and played the tape as usual, I heard a sound like a cork popping out of a cola bottle, as something popped out of my right ear. Three days later, it also popped out of my left ear.

From that day on, I was able to completely part ways with the auditory hallucinations that had troubled me for a long time.

I'm glad I found Happy Science.

Now, I spend fulfilling days mainly engaged in activities at the base with fellow believers who share the same faith. My parents have also started visiting various temples. Whenever they return from the temple, they always have bright smiles on their faces.

The other day, my father said thoughtfully, "I'm glad we found Happy Science."

I feel the same way from the bottom of my heart. Happy Science has given me hope in life and the joy of living while supporting many people.

Thank you very much to President Ryuho Okawa, my father and mother, my sister, and everyone at the base for patiently guiding me. I still have a long way to go, but I will live more positively, thinking of my future life as the main event.

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