There is no life that cannot be restarted. Restructuring, debt, attempted suicide [Personal Experience] (Related personal experiences of "Being Close to the Heart.")

Towards the dark sea

One January evening, I sat on the beach in Atami, holding a can of beer, watching the sinking sun alone. As night fell and the surroundings became deserted, I slowly walked towards the dark sea.
(That's enough. I'm a bit tired...)
The coldness of the winter sea felt like it was piercing my body, but I did not stop walking, and before I knew it, the seawater had reached my knees.

The beginning of the fall

"You’re single, still young, and you’ll be fine wherever you go," my boss at the railway instrument manufacturer said suddenly during the summer of my 11th year of service. I couldn't immediately understand what he meant, and after asking for clarification several times, he told me, "You’ve been targeted for restructuring." It seemed that the reason was my attitude towards work. I often took time off to help with the local festival I had been passionate about since childhood, thinking, "I’m doing my job, so there shouldn’t be any complaints." However, this attitude seemed to be viewed bitterly by a company struggling after the bubble burst. Additionally, my obsession with pachinko, which I had picked up after starting work, led to accumulating debt, and by the end of the month, I was consumed with financial worries. In any case, I was so shocked that I couldn't bring it up to my family for a while.

The daily erosion of my "value"

Eventually, my family learned about the restructuring, and I began looking for my next job. However, during the recession, I couldn't find work. My father, seeing my plight, spoke to his construction company, and I ended up working there. But about three years later, I suffered a hernia from an accident at work and had to leave that job as well. Thus began my days of going to the employment office again, and eventually, I landed a job at a security company run by a senior from my middle school. However, there was little work, and soon my salary started to be delayed. Occasionally assigned to construction site security, I was yelled at by pedestrians and construction workers, and sometimes had cigarettes and empty cans thrown at me. Each day felt like my "value" was being worn down like sandpaper. To distract myself from my miserable feelings, I increased my visits to pachinko, and my debt ballooned to nearly 5 million yen. That year, I was offered a job transfer to a competing company that was short-staffed, and after my salary payments completely stopped and I was evicted from my apartment, I returned to my parents' home and fled that company.

"If I keep going like this, I can find peace"

What I saw when I returned home was my parents, both suffering from cancer, repeatedly going in and out of the hospital, weakened and financially struggling. Gradually, I became consumed by the thought, "If I were gone, at least my parents' finances might improve." And then, in January, I slipped out of the house without telling anyone and boarded a train, heading towards the sea in Atami.
(If I keep going like this, I can find peace...)
However, suddenly, the faces of my newborn niece and nephew came to mind, and I snapped back to reality, trembling as I made my way back to the beach. When I reached the shore, I saw a hotel vehicle parked in front of me. The keys were still in it, and it was unlocked.
(I’ll just borrow it to warm up a bit)
I opened the door, started the engine, and turned on the air conditioning, driving aimlessly east. However, I quickly ran out of gas and was stranded. I abandoned the car and walked until I reached the station in Machida, Tokyo. After several days soaked in seawater, I emitted a foul odor, and my clothes were tattered, drawing pitying glances from passersby.
(Please, don’t look at me like that... I can’t take it anymore!)
I rushed into a nearby police box and turned myself in. I was arrested for theft and ended up in detention.

The determination that sprouted at rock bottom

(Why do I have to be treated like a stone? Where did I go wrong? If only that restructuring hadn’t happened...)
In the dark, cold detention center, I asked myself. At that time, the world felt so cold and merciless to me. "I’ll probably be fired anyway, and my parents will surely disown me," I thought, feeling despondent. Two months later, on a sunny afternoon, I completed my sentence and stepped out into the "outside world." And then—. Under the spring sunshine, my parents, who should have been weakened by illness, were standing there.
"Well, here’s the rental car fee," my father said with just one word. My mother added, "Your company’s president said, 'If you have nowhere to go, we would appreciate it if you could continue working.'"
(My father and mother must have so much they want to say. The president could have easily fired me for leaving work without notice. Everyone was waiting for me, despite all this!)
I collapsed on the spot. I will restart my life—! I felt something hot rising from deep within my belly.

Searching for a lifelong master

Since then, I have been going to the library, reading books, and searching for someone to whom I should seek teachings throughout my life, a "noble person." I reached out to self-improvement, financial knowledge, and various other things, but they all felt somewhat superficial or selfish, and I couldn’t quite connect with them. During this time, a colleague invited me to an event of Happy Science.
(I want to change myself, and whether I join or not is another matter, but I’ll listen to what they have to say.)
I attended a screening of President Okawa open_in_new's lecture held nearby. After it ended, while having tea with the believers, I was told, "There’s a movie that might give you hints for your life, so could you come to our branch open_in_new?" Intrigued, I went to the Happy Science branch and watched the movie "The Laws of the Sun" open_in_new*. Two hours later, I was in tears.
"God, like the sun, continues to give love without rest and asks for nothing in return. Humans, as children of God, should also live by continuously giving love like that sun."
The idea of "giving without expecting anything in return, unconditional love" that was spoken in the movie felt like a guiding light for me, who was struggling to become a "real human." I believed that the teachings of the "noble person" I had been hoping to meet might be here, and about a month later, I took the Three Returns Vow open_in_new.

*The movie "The Laws of the Sun" open_in_new: An animated film by Happy Science based on President Okawa's book "The Laws of the Sun." Released nationwide in 2000.
*Three Returns Vow: A vow to continue practicing by relying on the "Three Treasures" of Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.

Confronting my past self

(But I don’t want acquaintances to know that I’m a believer of Happy Science, so I’ll just give "love" within my means.)
With that thought, I started volunteering to distribute religious pamphlets and sending books by President Okawa to prisons. However, my long-standing bad habits could not be broken overnight. After my father passed away, losing my mental support, I found myself increasingly running to pachinko, feeling like "there’s no one to protect me," and my debt gradually grew larger.
(Why can’t I live properly? If this continues, I’ll revert back to my old self.)
I felt a gravitational pull dragging me back to my past.
"I can’t seem to cure my weak heart. But I really want to change!"
Swallowing my shame, I confided in a lecturer from Happy Science. They recommended President Okawa's book "Indomitable Spirit open_in_new."
"You must have had a tough time until now. But the teachings of Happy Science also explain the mindset to confront life's adversities."
Feeling that "this might be my last chance," I found time to reread that book multiple times. It was probably after the 30th reading that a particular passage suddenly struck my heart.
"As the saying goes, 'The heart of a person who confronts is like a mirror,' if your heart changes, the other person will naturally change too."
(Does that mean that all the causes lie within my heart? If so, what was the "cause" within me?)
Seeking that answer, I avoided places with pachinko as much as possible, refrained from gambling, saved money, and continued to attend the temple open_in_new for training.

The thoughts of "love" and "gratitude" that came to mind

The turning point came when I attended a training session themed on the "Eightfold Path." During the two-day retreat, as I quietly reflected on my journey, several scenes unexpectedly surfaced in my mind. They were fragments of memories from the railway company I worked for after graduating high school.
"Your handwriting is beautiful, so we’ll exclude you from the restructuring this time. From now on, I want you to change your mindset. I’m counting on you."
Looking back, about a year before the restructuring, I had also been a candidate for personnel cuts, but I was saved directly by the president. "You need to listen more to others if you want to grow," my colleagues were worried about me prioritizing the local festival over work and advised me across departmental lines. The boss who notified me of my dismissal also protested behind the scenes, saying, "It’s ridiculous for him to be fired!" When I think about it, the beauty of my handwriting was no reason to avoid restructuring. Yet the president gave me a chance. My colleagues, too, were throwing me a lifeline despite their own fears of possibly becoming targets for restructuring. Moreover, my boss, despite the risk to himself, was trying to protect me. I had forgotten the kindness of these people and even resented them.
(I had been extended a helping hand by so many people, and I had pushed it away myself. I truly am a fool...!)
The phrase "ungrateful" struck me hard, and my hands naturally came together in front of my chest. Tears streamed down my cheeks without stopping.
(Thank you so much, Lord El Cantare open_in_new*, for reminding this ungrateful me of "love"! And I am truly sorry.)
The blue sky I looked up at on my way back from the training appeared incredibly vivid.

*El Cantare: The object of faith in Happy Science, referred to as the Father by Jesus and as Allah by Muhammad.

I want to repay kindness

Since then, my daily life aimed at restarting my life has begun.
"I once tried to take my own life, so I understand your feelings. If you are suffering and in pain, please share your feelings with me."
I used to avoid the "Suicide Prevention Campaign open_in_new" for fear of being found out as a member of a religion. Now, I actively participate in that campaign and continue awareness activities on the streets of my local area. Along the way, the occasional "thank you" from passersby gives me a boost. When I write letters revealing my experiences to accompany the books I send to prisons, my passion naturally flows into the words.
(To repay even a little of what I have received from society and the divine, this is the path I want to live!)
Perhaps this determination has become a "weight" that keeps me steady. I used to rush to pachinko whenever I felt stressed, but now I don’t do it at all, and my accumulated debt has disappeared. Recently, I have developed the strength to think about "what can be improved in my current position as a security guard" at work, and a spirit of "let’s do work that I can take pride in as a security guard" has begun to sprout. Before I knew it, this year marks my 15th year of service. It has become the longest I have ever worked in my career.

"There is absolutely no life that cannot be restarted!"

Having experienced restructuring, debt, and attempted suicide, I once hit rock bottom in a sense. But even someone like me now lives peacefully, believing in myself, being grateful to others, and trusting in the divine. If there is something I can convey from my half-life, it is that "there is absolutely no life that cannot be restarted." As long as we are alive, there will be many painful, difficult, and miserable experiences. On the other hand, there must also be people who give us love, worry about us, and stand by us. Will we live holding onto past suffering? Or will we find the kindness from others and offer our gratitude? The choice we make will likely change our happiness or unhappiness in life. It was Happy Science and Lord El Cantare who taught me that.
(President Okawa truly was the "noble person" for me.)
Since becoming a believer, I have been convinced of this every day. I have been given a life to restart. Because I have had experiences that others do not, I believe I can understand feelings that others may not. I want to heal the thorns and wounds in the hearts of as many people as possible. From now on, I hope to walk a life of such service and repay kindness.

"I'm Fine" open_in_new (by Ryuho Okawa / Happy Science Publishing) - Excerpted message

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Happy Science supports resolving worries and improving life. If you have worries or concerns, please come to our branch. Experienced branch leaders and lecturers who have trained in Happy Science will listen to you. We will keep your privacy and secrets, so please feel free to talk.

Please feel free to contact your nearest branch or temple. open_in_new

The lectures given by President Ryuho Okawa can be checked here open_in_new.

For more details, please contact the nearest Happy Science temple or branch open_in_new.

Since its broadcast began in 1991, the radio program "Angel's Morning Call" open_in_new has continued to be loved by many listeners.

We will introduce content related to suicide from the program.

●Saving You from Suicide (Episode 961) open_in_new
●Let’s Reduce Suicide (Episode 1172) open_in_new
●Life Has Meaning - Answers to Questions Not Taught in School (Episode 1654) open_in_new
●What You Can Do to Reduce Suicide (Episode 1667) open_in_new