Escaping the days of depression (Utsu) that considered suicide 【Happy Science Faith Experience】

"C-san (30s, female)"

I couldn't get up no matter what, I didn't want to live... One morning, I suddenly became depressed and started to isolate myself. After seven years of sinking into a quagmire of suffering, one day a "miracle" happened in my heart.

I am the most unhappy person in the world

For most of my life, I lived thinking, "I am the most unhappy person in the world..." Especially after I became depressed in my late 20s, my body felt heavy as if filled with lead, and my heart was full of resentment towards my family and those around me. I was constantly thinking about death.

The people from Happy Science open_in_new saved me. For the first time, by being touched by everyone's love, I realized that I had been given a lot of love until now, and I was able to recover from my depression.

A house with a leaking roof

The house I grew up in was a rented place that leaked in multiple places every time it rained. Shortly after I was born, my father's finance company went bankrupt after a friend ran off with the money, leaving us in debt. Our family barely managed to get by with the help of relatives.

In addition to working at a factory, my father also delivered newspapers early in the morning. As a child, I worried about my father's health and said, "You should stop delivering newspapers," to which he would laugh and pat my head.

"Don't worry. I deliver newspapers for my health."

I loved this always kind father.

Am I an unwanted child?

On the other hand, my mother was always in a bad mood. My mother, who had kidney problems, always had a furrowed brow. I desperately wanted my mother to be kind to me and tried hard to get her attention.

"Mom, hold me."

To my outstretched arms, my mother would always say this.

"Don't be spoiled."

Also, when I tried to help wash the dishes for my sick mother, I was always coldly dismissed.

"Don't touch it!"

Gradually, I began to think, "My mother hates me. I'm unwanted."

I don't want to live

When I became a junior high school student, I started comparing my home to my friends' homes. A house without leaks, with a bath, trendy clothes, a radio cassette player, and a kind mother—.

"Why am I the only one so unhappy?"

However, I was desperate to keep my miserable state a secret from others. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I maintained high grades and was known as an "honor student." Yet, at times, the same thought would well up inside me.

"I don't want to live..."

Wanting to die and turn to ash, to erase myself, became my only wish.

Father's death, mother's illness

The hardships continued. In my third year of high school, my father passed away from cancer. Carrying the sadness in my heart, I got a job at a life insurance company after graduating high school. Soon after, my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

At that time, my brother, who lived with us, had work both day and night, so I had no choice but to take care of my mother. My mother would ask for my help to go to the public bath or the hospital. Each time, painful memories from my childhood resurfaced.

"You never even held me! Why do I have to take care of you!"

On one hand, I thought that, but on the other hand, I couldn't leave my mother alone. I would take care of her before she asked, and at night, I would go out to the entertainment district, filled with unexpressed anger and fatigue in both my heart and body.

My body won't move

It was one morning when I was 27. I became so heavy that I couldn't get up at all. My brother and mother started doing the housework.

"You two can do it. You've been pushing it onto me all this time. My brother, who was favored more than me, should take care of mom!"

As I wrapped myself in a futon in a dark, closed room, unpleasant memories from the past raced through my mind. My mother's cold gaze as she clicked her tongue at me. My brother got a brand new study desk while I was given a worn-out desk... My body and heart felt crushed under multiple layers of gravity.

"Don't die!"

"In the end, the only way to escape from this self is to die."

Finally, I resolved to die. If I starved to death at home, it would be revenge on my mother and brother, and I could erase myself. With that determination, I stopped eating for a week. I became unable to get up easily. At that time, a thought suddenly arose in my mind.

"I must not die like this."

I don't know why I thought that. But the words that came to my heart were pleading, "Don't die, don't die."

"...An ambulance..."

As if urged by something, I dragged my heavy body like mud to the phone and called an ambulance myself.

And then, to the psychiatric hospital

I was diagnosed with depression and admitted to a psychiatric hospital. While receiving an IV in bed, my brother and a woman named M, who was my partner, opened the door to my hospital room.

M rushed over and hugged me tightly, even though it was our first meeting. I hadn't bathed for months and must have been covered in dirt and odor. Yet, M didn't care about that and continued to hold me without saying a word.

"There are people like this..."

After that, M began to visit me regularly. When M came, the hospital room would brighten up. M, a member of Happy Science open_in_new, gradually taught me the meaning of life and the meaning of suffering.

"C-chan, the soul is eternal, so even if you commit suicide, you cannot erase yourself."

Are you kidding me? That's the worst. When I heard that the soul is eternal, I was disheartened at the time. On the other hand, when I was taught that 'suicides cannot attain enlightenment,' I remember feeling truly relieved, thinking, 'I'm glad I didn't die back then.'

A word that resonated in my heart

Two months later, I was discharged with a lot of medication. My brother found me a job selling at a service area so that I wouldn't become a recluse. However, I wasn't suited for that job, and six months later, I became a recluse again.

In a pitch-black room, I spent my days recalling the past and muttering resentful words... Eventually, my mother entered a nursing facility.

My brother and Ms. M got married afterward. Ms. M often came to our house and talked about the truth of Buddhism.

"True 'love' is something you give from yourself. If you want to be happy, it's important to love others from your own heart."

One day, the words Ms. M said resonated with me. I began to think about their meaning from time to time.

I tried going outside...

"Why not think of it as practice for going outside and volunteer at the branch open_in_new?"

After being a recluse for six years, I started to think I had to do something about it. Following Ms. M's suggestion, I decided to attend the Happiness Science open_in_new branch open_in_new. While cleaning and organizing supplies, everyone treated me kindly, even though I was nervous and awkward.

"C-chan, you did this? You can get married right away!"

However, every time I was praised, I felt a strong sense of discomfort, thinking, 'I'm not the kind of person who deserves praise.' I became unable to bear it and stopped going to the branch open_in_new six months later. I thought everyone would be angry with me for abandoning my job. My heart was filled with guilt.

Even someone like me was loved.

"C-chan, is it really okay to stay like this? Everyone is waiting for you."

One day, I was taken by Ms. M, who spoke in a stronger tone than usual, and I passed through the gates of the branch open_in_new for the first time in two months. Then—

"Oh, C-chan! Were you doing well?"

"I'm so glad! I missed you!"

A beaming smile and cheers welcomed me. I was stunned. Everyone hugged me one after another. Some were crying. The warmth of everyone seeped into my heart, and tears flowed naturally.

"Even though I'm so half-hearted, they accept me..."

Until then, I had believed that I would be disliked if I didn't do everything perfectly. But I realized that everyone at the branch open_in_new accepted my immaturity and loved me so much.

"I was foolish."

Suddenly, my heart felt light. It was as if I had taken off the armor I had worn for many years. I realized that I had just now parted ways with my past self. Then, thoughts I had never considered before began to well up.

"Let's live!"

A new beginning in life

On that very day, I threw away a large amount of tranquilizers I had saved up, thinking, 'One day, I'll drink this and die.' I also participated in branch open_in_new events and learned the truth of Buddhism.

In the process, I met a member named H. Being with her brings me peace. Our relationship naturally began. Eventually, we held our wedding ceremony with the blessings of many.

It must have been tough, Mom.

One day, I learned that my friend I was struggling with conflicts with her mother. My husband and I thought about how she should face life. They say people are born with a life plan for soul training.

"What did she choose her mother for, to learn?"

"By having a mother who doesn't love her, I-san learned the importance of love. And instead of resenting such a mother, she probably set it as a life problem to realize that she was actually given love and to be able to sincerely appreciate it."

The moment I said that to myself, I was struck. The conclusion about her was also an answer for myself.

"I only wanted my feelings to be understood and didn't consider my mother's heart. That is 'love that takes.' That's why I was suffering all along..."

I traced my mother's upbringing. From a story I had heard before, she lost her biological mother at a young age and was treated as an obstacle after her father remarried and had children. My mother was also starving for love. Eventually, just when she was about to be happy after getting married, her father's company went bankrupt. How painful it must have been.

My mother didn't hate me; she just didn't know how to interact with me because she had never experienced being gently embraced. When I realized this, my chest suddenly became warm, and tears overflowed as I felt pity for my mother. I also realized that it was because of the conflicts with my mother that I was led to the path of faith. "I wasn't unhappy. I was actually given everything..."

Depression will definitely heal.

From then on, I began to visit the facility where my mother was staying more often. My mother, who began to show symptoms of dementia, sometimes doesn't recognize me, but when I take her hand and express my gratitude, she smiles.

The reason I fell into depression was that I was only thinking about how unhappy I was and turning away from what I was given. However, as long as I am alive, I am actually given many things. When I sincerely appreciated that, hatred and sadness disappeared, and joy was born in my heart, which I can now truly feel.

Now, I convey to those who are suffering the truth that the Buddha is always watching over them and that by stopping 'love that takes' and starting 'love that gives,' they will surely be liberated from suffering.

I believe that this will be a way to repay the kindness of the friends from Happiness Science open_in_new who saved me from the mire of suffering and the Buddha, who has always been by my side, pouring out love and compassion.

From my sister-in-law, Ms. M

When I first met C, I thought, 'I absolutely want to help this child.' Many people have overcome depression by changing their mindset through faith. I believed that C would definitely heal. As I began to see her goodness, I often spoke to her, saying, 'You have many good qualities. Let's become your true self.'

From her husband, H

My wife was able to recover from depression by experiencing the warmth of everyone at the branch open_in_new and has been able to express her original strengths. My wife's strength is that she has no likes or dislikes for people and can get along with anyone. Now, she is working hard to be a support for those who are suffering.

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