A woman who lost her son to suicide shares her journey to overcome that suffering 【Happy Science Believer's Experience】

Scenes from the past

"Dad, do you think this beam is thick enough?"

"It might be according to the calculations, but it would be better to do it this way."

I remember the scene where my husband and my eldest son spread out blueprints and had conversations in our living room.
My eldest son T, who was an architect, often consulted his father, a master carpenter, about work.
When he was young, my eldest son was an active child, but as he grew up, he became quieter and resembled his calm father more and more.
I never imagined that such a son would take his own life...
I will share the journey from that incident to today.

Questions about life

I lived in a town in Tokyo with my carpenter husband, three sons, and my mother, making a family of six.
I had been a full-time housewife, but when my children became adults, I started helping at a nearby supermarket at the request of an acquaintance.
After working there for about three years, I gradually found the business interesting and became absorbed in my work.
I earned my own income, enjoyed traveling and shopping, and even dreamed of having my own store in the future.
However, sometimes deep down, questions about life would arise.

(Is this way of living okay? Is it really alright to keep pushing through life like this?)

Thanks to my devout mother, I was raised believing in traditional Buddhism from a young age and attended the temple.
Even when I occasionally had doubts about the way of life, the meaning of life, and the afterlife, unfortunately, I could not find satisfactory answers.

My eldest son's company went bankrupt

About ten years after I started my part-time job. The construction company where my 33-year-old eldest son worked went bankrupt.
He had experienced the bankruptcy of his workplace twice before.
Although he could have been introduced to a new job by relatives, he was too proud to rely on family.
The third bankruptcy seemed to hit him hard, but my husband and I could only watch as he was no longer at an age where we could intervene.
One morning, my eldest son, who had been home for a while, went out for the first time in a long time.
He looked very cheerful, which left a strong impression on me.
I thought maybe he had found a job, and I was just being optimistic.

A cold morning in February

It was just a few days later, on a cold morning in February, that my eldest son ended his life without any warning.
Feeling somewhat concerned about my son, I knocked on his door before leaving for work.

"T, I'm coming in."

――I was the first discoverer.
The details of what happened afterward are a blur in my memory.
I later learned that my scream was heard by neighbors.
Before I knew it, the wake and funeral had passed, and my son was placed in a small urn.
My child, who suddenly disappeared.
From that day on, my world turned gray.
Later, a colleague of T's shared the reason for his suicide.

"This was the president's planned bankruptcy. We quickly found new jobs for our livelihoods. But T-kun alone didn't run away and took on all the aftermath with the clients..."

I had no idea he was carrying such a heavy burden.
Why didn't I notice? What a useless mother I am...

"That room has to be sealed off..."

My husband murmured this and locked the door to my eldest son's room.

A word at work

Who drove my son to suicide?
Every time I see my son's clothes or his tea bowl, I am overwhelmed with a heart-wrenching feeling.
And I kept repeating to myself, "It's my fault that he died."
Overwhelmed by anger and sadness with nowhere to go, I spent my days in gloom while my husband and sons returned to work, and the forty-nine days passed.

(I have to somehow recover... Will I feel better if I return to work?)

However, since my child died in such a way, I might be shunned in customer service.
After much thought, I mustered the courage to go to work.

"That must have been tough. Are you okay now?"

Feeling relieved by everyone's kindness, I moved my body for the first time in a while and felt a bit of appetite returning.
If I work hard, I can distract myself.
I decided to return to work.
But that thought was short-lived.
During lunch break, as I had a light snack, I overheard some employees chatting.

"Look, that person is eating. Even though their child died like that."

――At that moment, my heart froze.
In the end, I wrote my resignation letter that day and left the store where I had worked for many years.

I want answers

I became afraid of meeting people, cut off all human relationships, and shut myself in at home.

"Where did my eldest son go?"

Even when I asked the temple, I still received no answers, and I vented my painful feelings to my mother.

"You taught me that 'if you have faith, you will be happy,' but what does this mean! Please explain!"

"...I don't know. I can't answer..."

My elderly mother said in a small voice.
Thinking that I would not be saved by this faith, I immediately jumped on the Shinkansen and headed to a famous temple in Kyoto.

"What happened to my son who committed suicide?" "How should I live from now on?"

I desperately needed answers to these two questions.

People who lost children in the earthquake

At that temple, many people who were affected by the "Great Hanshin Earthquake" that occurred the month before my son's death had gathered.
Women who lost children in the earthquake said to me.

"Even if you say your child committed suicide, you purified that child and cremated them, turning them into ashes. That's happiness."

"That's right. We couldn't even find our child's remains or wash their bodies and cremate them."

It was shocking.
From the perspective of someone who lost a child in the earthquake, they said I was fortunate.

(Am I happy...? Is that the truth...?)

With various thoughts in my mind, I returned to Tokyo.

A long-awaited outing

Having sought salvation but finding no way out for six months, I thought one day that even if I couldn't find answers, I couldn't just stay shut in... and I decided to venture out into town.
Then, a woman who was a regular customer at the supermarket ran up to me and said, "You! What have you been up to?"

I was thinking about what to say when I met you.

The woman looked into my eyes and said.

Everyone has their own suffering that they can't share with others. So, don't give up.

I was surprised. She cared about my situation and encouraged me.
A small light lit up in my closed heart.

Encounter with the book of destiny

Finally taking a step forward, my family suggested, "Why not use your cooking skills to get a chef's license?" and encouraged me to study at the library.
When I went to the library, my feet naturally headed towards the 'Religion' shelf.
I desperately wanted to know what had happened to my eldest son.
I borrowed ten books at a time from the neatly lined up religious texts, including Buddhism, Christianity, and Shinto, and read them one after another.
However, even after reading all the books on that shelf, I couldn't find a clear answer. When I peeked at the bookshelf on the opposite side, there was a new book there.

(The author is Ryuho Okawa open_in_new...)

When I read it, it felt completely different from the previous books. I thought it couldn't be written with lies or fabrications.
Wanting to read more of President Okawa's other books, I went to a bookstore and found a book titled 'Winning Mindset' open_in_new piled up in the new release corner.
The subtitle was, "There is no defeat in life."

(Is that so? 'There is no defeat in life'? If that's true, maybe I can start over in my life...)

The preface states, "Winning mindset (the mindset of always winning) is a way of thinking that learns lessons from both success and failure and helps oneself grow."
I felt a powerful energy and immediately bought it.

This teaching is necessary

That book gave me great hope.

(Humans continue to live even after death. Then, T too...)

I opened 'Winning Mindset' many times a day and reread the words that resonated with my heart.
I felt a growing desire to know more and that I needed this teaching.
However, that year, the Tokyo subway sarin incident occurred, and bad religions became a social issue, so I hesitated for a moment about getting involved with new religions.

(But if I make a judgment, I won't gain anything. If it's a strange religion, I can just quit, so it's okay.)

So I visited the local branch open_in_new and joined Happy Science.
It was at the end of the year when my eldest son passed away.

What happens to suicides?

When I began to learn the Buddhist law and truth taught by President Ryuho Okawa, the fog in front of me began to clear rapidly.
There were the answers to life that I had been seeking.
I learned that this world is a training ground for polishing the soul, and that humans are born into this world with a 'life plan' that includes the necessary hardships and trials.
Trials are when the soul is polished.
If you blame your own unhappiness on others, you will never be happy. And 'suicide' is a sin because it wastes the soul training given and disturbs the life plans of others...

(For T, the period of suffering from bankruptcy may have been an opportunity for soul training. If I had known that...)

I learned that those who committed suicide without knowing about the afterlife are unaware of their own death and endlessly repeat the suffering of the moment of death, making it very difficult for them to attain enlightenment, which was shocking to me.

(T's soul is still experiencing the suffering of that day. I want to help somehow...)

I was taught that to save the lost souls, it is important for the surviving family to learn the Buddhist law and truth and live happily.
I continued my studies while praying that the joy of knowing the truth would reach T as well.
As my learning deepened, my heart became more at peace.
In this world full of confusion, everyone is living earnestly—.
I began to feel the Lord's boundless compassion, gently embracing each and every one, without distinguishing between good and evil.

(Humans are all companions polishing their souls while playing various roles in the eternal cycle of reincarnation...)

Strangely, my feelings of blame towards the people who drove my eldest son to suicide and those who were struggling began to fade.

My husband has terminal cancer

As the year filled with various events came to an end, shortly after the new year began.
Suddenly, my husband fell ill and was hospitalized.
The test results showed stomach cancer.
Moreover, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with no treatment options available.
In Happy Science, it is taught that "many causes of cancer lie in the heart that blames oneself."
Our family was all wounded in heart due to the suicide of my eldest son, but especially my husband, who was responsible and kind, must have continued to blame himself.
To help my husband regain some strength, I read Happy Science books to him every day.
Then my husband said he wanted to participate in President Okawa's grand lecture.
So, I obtained special permission to go out, and the three of us—my husband, my mother, and I—went to the Yokohama Arena.
The bright atmosphere of the people gathered at the venue was impressive.
Even my husband, who usually spoke little, nodded deeply, saying, "I'm glad we came."
On that day, President Okawa spoke on the topic of "The Way to Happiness", discussing how to live happily in this world and the next, as well as the nature of the spirit world.

"That was a kind talk. The president is kind, which is why so many people gather here."

Having studied Buddhism for decades, my mother seemed deeply moved by President Okawa's lecture, who is the reincarnation of Buddha.
Both my mother and husband joined Happy Science.
The lecture on "The Way to Happiness" is included in the scripture 'The Way to Happiness' open_in_new (published by Happy Science).

Days of deepening faith as a couple

After my husband joined, we both attended the branch together.
One seminar that left a strong impression was themed 'Lifetime Reflection'. We reflected on our past lives, looking back on 'what we have given to others' and 'what we have received from others', and both my husband and I realized for the first time that many people had supported us in the shadow of our great misfortunes, and we couldn't stop crying from our feelings of reflection and gratitude.
"We had tough experiences, but we were always blessed. From now on, I want to live a 'life of giving back' and share the Buddhist law and truth with many people."
"Yes, yes. That's right..."
The suicide of my eldest son and my husband's terminal cancer. For us, who were facing 'death', knowing one truth was like lighting a hope in our hearts.
However, on the other hand, my husband's physical strength was declining day by day.
When he could no longer go to the branch, he would copy the fundamental scripture 'Buddha's Teachings: The True Heart Sutra' open_in_new and listen to President Okawa's lectures and meditation music CDs, shedding tears.
And about a year after we began learning the truth together, my husband, having confirmed the existence of the afterlife, peacefully departed for the other world, expressing gratitude for having encountered true faith.
'Buddha's Teachings: The True Heart Sutra': The fundamental scripture of Happy Science, a miraculous scripture spoken directly by Buddha. It has more than ten thousand times the merit of the Lotus Sutra and Heart Sutra written by disciples in later generations.

I want to convey this teaching

With my husband gone, I felt lonely, but I had a goal in life.
"I want to let everyone know that new teachings are being taught."
With that single-mindedness, when I conveyed the teachings of Happy Science to my former faith companions, most of them would decline, saying, "I'm fine."
It seemed that everyone thought I had gone crazy after losing family members one after another.
"They will understand someday, so it's okay!" Happy Science friends always encouraged me like that.
I continued to spread the teachings to relatives and local people.
Every time I saw someone whose problems were solved, who succeeded at work, or who recovered from illness, and their lives opened up with smiles, I felt genuinely happy from the bottom of my heart.
Before I knew it, my own misfortunes began to feel small.
At such a time, it was announced that 'eternal memorial services' would begin at the Headquarters, Shoshinkan open_in_new.
Every day, light from the headquarters is offered to the souls of the deceased through chanting, guiding lost souls to the heavenly realm after death, and providing spiritual support for souls that have already attained enlightenment.

(Because of T, I was able to encounter this faith. I hope T awakens to the truth as soon as possible. I also want to convey my gratitude to my father.)

I immediately applied for eternal memorial services for the two of them.
Friends: Companions who share the same faith and learn the teachings together.

A mysterious dream

About three years later, one day, I received a sudden phone call from my former faith friend, M.
M began to speak a little excitedly.

"Y, this morning, I had a mysterious dream. T-kun, well, I can't quite express it, but he entered this amazing golden light. At that moment, he turned back to me and smiled. What was that dream...?"

I was left speechless by M's story.

(Ah, he saved me so quickly...!)

I vividly imagined the overwhelming light of the heavenly realm pouring down, guiding T's soul, which had been bound by suffering, high into the light-filled heaven.

(Ah. Lord El Cantare, thank you...!)

Holding the receiver tightly, tears flowed endlessly, and the heavy burden in my heart completely disappeared.
A few days later—M visited the branch and exclaimed in surprise at a wall painting.

"This! T-kun entered this light!"

What M pointed to was a poster of the Happy Science movie 'The Law of the Sun' open_in_new.
There, the figure of Lord El Cantare radiating golden light was depicted across the entire screen.

T was indeed saved by Master El Cantare. I'm glad...

It was a moment when I reaffirmed the great power of President Okawa's salvation.
And I was strongly determined to convey the joy of this faith to more people.

Isn't it amazing that such mysterious things exist...?

Through this experience, Mr. M also became a member of Happy Science, and now we are working together in evangelism.
※ Movie 'The Law of the Sun': An animated film released in October 2000 that became a nationwide hit.

To T in heaven――

On that day, when you suddenly passed away, everyone was so sad that we couldn't find the words.
However, it was through that experience that I was able to encounter this faith.
T. I learned that any problem can be solved with the truth of Buddhism.
So, like you at that time, I want to convey this teaching to those who are suffering without knowing the truth, and help them regain their smiles.
For that reason, I will continue to evangelize from now on.
Until the day I can reunite with T in heaven and my father, I will do my best, so please watch over me――.

Excerpted message from 'The Law of Enlightenment' (by Ryuho Okawa / Happy Science Publishing) open_in_new