【Testimony】Abuse from my stepmother, resentment towards my father... Happiness grasped amidst suffering

This was when I was still young.

I was stripped of my clothes by my enraged mother and dragged outside naked. The winter air pierced my entire body.

In a fit of terror, I cried out, but my mother mercilessly threw me into the irrigation ditch flowing in front of our house.

I don't remember well how I got back into the house afterward. However, it was not just once or twice.

When neighborhood children came to play at our house, my mother would bring out a baby bath and cover me with it, locking me inside. The children would jump on top of it one after another, having fun.

"Stop it, stop it!"

Even as I cried and struggled, I couldn't get out.

At that moment, when I couldn't breathe...

"Hey! What are you all doing again?!"

That voice belonged to the neighbor lady. At that time, we lived in a room of a row house separated by thin walls, so the neighbors knew I was being abused.

I was saved many times in critical moments.

However, acts of violence such as being submerged in a bathtub filled with water or being hit with a ruler were a daily occurrence.

Eventually, when my younger sisters were born, my mother ordered me to change their diapers and do kitchen work.

As a lower-grade elementary school student, I couldn't reach the sink, so I used a beer bottle case as a step stool to wash the dishes.

No matter how badly I was treated, I wanted to be praised by my mother, so I obediently followed her orders while watching her expression.

My mother had extreme mood swings and would resort to violence at the slightest provocation, but she did not openly abuse me in front of my father.

Since my father was also present at breakfast, I was able to eat my meals.

However, on nights when my father was not home, only my mother and my two younger sisters had dinner. There was none for me.

The neighbors would sometimes bring me salt rice balls when my mother was not around and occasionally advised my father about the abuse, but he never believed them and refused to listen.

Friends' families were completely different from mine.

A kind mother, snacks, meals, and enjoyable conversations.

For me, all of that was from a distant world.

(Why am I the only one being hit and bullied by my mother?)

As my younger sisters grew older, my mother ordered me to supervise their studies while she went out to play pachinko.

I followed my mother's orders and commanded my sisters.

"Do it properly! I'll get scolded!"

While my mother made my sisters study, she told me, "Help with housework even if you have to skip school."

When I was in fifth grade. It was the day we went to the shrine for my sisters' Shichi-Go-San.

Suddenly, my mother said to me, "That is your real mother."

I saw a family in line for worship. Among them was a small woman who looked like a mother.

(Is that person my real mother? Is that girl my sister?)

I was shocked.

(Did they only take my sister and leave me behind?)

Various thoughts intertwined, and my chest tightened.

I clearly understood the reason why I was not loved by my current mother, that is, my stepmother.

Afterward, unable to endure the abuse any longer, I inadvertently blurted out, "I want to go to my real mother," to which my stepmother replied.

"Your mother said, 'Do whatever you want with her, boil her or burn her,' and abandoned you. There’s nowhere for you to go back to now."

Those words pierced my heart.

(Even if I live, no one will be happy. What am I living for...)

On a winter day before entering junior high school.

When I entered the room called by my stepmother, there was a chair placed under a noose hanging from the beam.

On the tatami mat, there was a razor...

"Going to junior high school costs money. I don't have money to spend on you, so choose one or the other."

I felt a sense of impending doom.

(If I choose hanging, I will die immediately.)

With trembling hands, I took the razor, placed it against my wrist, and gently cut.

"That won't kill you! Harder!"

Just when I thought it was hopeless, a neighbor came in to stop me again.

Although my life was spared, being forced to commit suicide left a deep scar on my heart.

The fear of being killed by my stepmother never left my mind.

While living dark and gloomy days, I became a second-year junior high student. Suddenly, a turning point came.

My stepmother ran away with another man and disappeared.

(Finally freed!)

While watching my father in despair, I felt genuine joy from the bottom of my heart.

However, that joy was short-lived as it was revealed that my stepmother had left behind several million yen in debt in my father's name.

To repay the debt, my father worked during the day and drove at night, and we moved to a public housing unit.

I had no choice but to give up on going to high school and started working at a privately owned beauty salon while attending beauty school.

It was my first experience living in someone else's house.

There was a girl my age in my class.

She wore a cute uniform and attended an all-girls school, protected by her family, without financial worries, enjoying her high school life――.

(Why are there people who are born happy and others who are not?)

Every time I thought about that, my stepmother's words resurfaced.

――Your mother said to do whatever you want with you, whether to boil or burn you, and abandoned you.

Anger and sadness surged within me.

(It's unforgivable to abandon a child after giving birth! I can never forgive my abusive stepmother either!)

I was always lonely.

Eventually, I learned about my stepmother's whereabouts through others, and my sisters moved there.

I graduated from beauty school on my own and obtained a national qualification while working. I became a full-fledged beautician.

After that, I changed shops every 3 to 4 years. I kept stumbling in human relationships.

When the manager, who knew about my upbringing, was considerate, I was happy but also envied by other employees.

"You're getting carried away because the teacher favors you, right?"

Hearing such things said loudly made my stomach ache.

When the manager expressed concern for me as I visited the hospital, the backlash became even stronger.

Since I entered beauty school after dropping out, my longer career despite being younger and having many customer requests became a source of jealousy.

(Becoming a beautician after dropping out was not my choice, and having many requests is not my fault...)

"It's not my fault" swirled in my mind.

(But if I step back, things will settle down...)

With that thought, I moved to another shop, but even in the new workplace, I was concerned about people's reactions and expressions, and I couldn't find my place.

Before I knew it, I was already 26 years old.

Because my upbringing was so tragic, I wanted to get married and create a happy family by 23 or 24, but that hope was fading.

One day, my father decided to remarry a woman from his workplace.

"I'll rent an apartment and manage on my own, so do as you like."

However, my father planned to build a house with the remarriage and wanted to turn the first floor into a beauty salon for me to run.

He must have wanted to give me something in his own way.

The life of my father, his new partner, and I began.

But my third mother was jealous and would become unhappy just from my father and me talking.

When I cooked, she would say, 'It's bad.' Even when I contributed money to the household, she would say, 'Give more.' She drank alcohol every day, spewed abusive words, and sometimes even waved a knife around.

The store opened with one employee hired, but the monthly loan repayments weighed heavily on my shoulders.

I also struggled with employee training. Even when I taught them the job and nurtured them, they would quit right away.

(My unhappiness is my father's fault. He remarried a terrible person and even made me bear debt.)

I continued to blame my father in my heart.

Moreover, my relationship with my boyfriend at that time ended.

(After all, I am destined to be unhappy for life...)

When I was about to be crushed by many worries, I received a message from Kumiko Hiromiya, who was a classmate at beauty school.

When I visited Hiromiya's house, there were many books and tapes of Happy Science lined up in a large room on the second floor.

"Junko-chan, this book has good things written in it, take a look!"

I borrowed several books with titles like 'How to Grasp Happiness' and 'Ways to Happiness,' but since I didn't have a reading habit, I couldn't finish them.

(It's difficult. But these words are intriguing.)

"Humans are undergoing soul training while repeating reincarnation. Everyone has a guardian spirit watching over their life. Seeking love from others is 'taking love.' Practicing 'giving love' by loving others will lead to happiness."

Fragments of the teachings remained in my heart.

However, I could not accept the teaching that 'humans plan their lives in the heavenly realm and choose their parents before being born.'

(This doesn't apply to me. There's no way I would choose such parents.)

"Junko-chan, at the branch, we have a 'prayer for economic prosperity and success,' would you like to try it?"

Kumiko invited me, who was struggling with the store's finances.

After receiving a prayer at the branch for the first time, the vice branch manager encouraged me to join.

"When you join, you will receive the fundamental scripture 'Buddha's Teachings: The Right Heart Sutra.' If you read the scriptures in this book every day, you will receive the light of Buddha, your heart will be calmed, and you will be guided in a good direction."

However, I had resistance to religion.

(Religion is a place for weak people to comfort each other. My life is unhappy, but I don't want to rely on it.)

I thought that way.

However, I also had a desire to somehow escape the deadlock of my current situation.

(If it really brings 'peace to my heart'...)

When I joined, Happy Science was different from the 'religion' I had imagined.

The members were bright, positive, and very eager to learn.

"Try reading this book," "If you're not good with books, tapes are good," they supported me, who had just started learning.

Seeing the example of such seniors, I also set my own goals.

Every day, I read the 'Words of Truth: The Right Heart Sutra' from the Buddha's Teachings, read at least a little of the books on the truth of Buddhism, visit the branch once a week, and receive prayers once a month. These three things.

Then, after nearly six months, I was to participate in a training retreat at the main temple, Nikkō Shōja, with my branch friends.

※ 'Buddha's Teachings: The Right Heart Sutra'... The fundamental scripture of Happy Science. It contains seven important scriptures. By reading it daily, you connect with the heavenly realm, ward off evil spirits, and gain the power to carve out your life.

※ Nikkō Shōja... A training and worship facility of Happy Science located in Nikkō City, Tochigi Prefecture.

Nikkō Shōja is enveloped in a pure and majestic atmosphere. I felt that it was a special place.

On the second day of the training, there was a meditation time. At that time, I was shown a very mysterious vision.

In a pitch-black space, there was a silhouette of a person sitting in zazen.

I was looking down at that silhouette from the ceiling. The whole body of that person was completely black, as if covered in ink...

(That is me.)

I intuitively realized. Then, from above, a beam of Buddha's light gently descended and pierced into the black body.

The light continued to pour down without interruption, gradually accumulating inside the pitch-black body.

Eventually, when it was filled with light, that body began to shine golden.

And in the next moment, the light of Buddha overflowed from the entire body and began to flow in all directions.

(Ah, this is my form... Even when I was burdened with loneliness and unhappiness, and my heart was in complete darkness, Buddha continued to give me light...!)

I was enveloped in a great peace that I had never felt before.

It was as if I was in the palm of Buddha, filled with an absolute sense of happiness, wrapped in boundless love without any worries.

(I was loved this much. Yet, because I had closed my heart, I couldn't notice Buddha's love...)

"I'm glad to be alive!" The thought welled up from the bottom of my heart, and tears streamed down my cheeks one after another.

Even after returning from the Nikko Seisha, the happiness I gained from the training continued.

A few days later, a relative aunt visited the store and said something unexpected.

"Do you know where your real mother lives?"

"Huh? My real mother?"

The aunt, who had never talked about the whereabouts of my birth mother for many years, informed me of my biological mother's location.

After closing the store, I held tightly to the phone number I was given and drove to the Hiromiya family.

(I want to meet my real mother. But...)

Complicated feelings towards my birth mother resurfaced.

(Because I was abandoned by my birth mother, I suffered abuse from my stepmother and experienced hell. If only my birth mother had taken me with her...)

The wounds in my heart throbbed. But perhaps my biological mother has been thinking of me, a glimmer of hope...

I recalled the sight of my birth mother and her family that I saw in the crowd at the shrine when I was in elementary school.

(I couldn't join that family. My birth mother chose my sister, and I was left behind.)

The words my stepmother said still pierce my heart.

――She said to do whatever you want, whether to boil or roast, and then abandoned you.

(If I call, she might dislike it, and I could be hurt even more...)

When I arrived at the Hiromiya family, Kumiko's grandmother, "Hiromiya Grandma," welcomed me.

"What's with that face? What's wrong?"

While warming myself by the stove, I opened up about my life to Grandma.

About the abuse I suffered. About the struggles I faced after dropping out of school and entering society. About feeling lonely and having no place to belong. About encountering faith and realizing the love of Buddha, and then being told my birth mother's contact information――.

As I spoke to Grandma, my confused heart strangely began to calm down.

Grandma listened intently to my story and then said quietly.

"You've chosen a tough life, haven't you? You've been polishing your soul like that."

When she said that, the truth that I had not been able to accept until then, that "we choose our parents before being born," deeply sank into my heart.

(That's right. I chose this life to polish my soul through suffering, to gain treasures that can only be obtained in this life――)

It was a moment of awakening.

"Until now, I have lived with a victim mentality, thinking, 'I'm not at fault, yet I'm caught in misfortune.' But since this is a life I chose for myself, I'm not a victim. From now on, I feel like I can live more positively and brightly."

Grandma looked straight into my eyes and nodded in agreement.

"Your birth mother, the abusive stepmother, and the third mother, they are all in the midst of soul training. Each of them is polishing their souls in their own lives..."

My birth mother must have had her own circumstances that led her to leave me behind.

"Leaving her child and getting divorced to start another family" may have been a necessary soul training for my birth mother.

If I consider the position of my abusive stepmother, it must have been a heavy burden to bear, raising the child of her predecessor.

There may have been no outlet for stress due to conflicts with my father and financial insecurity.

I believe that within that, there were materials for each other's soul training.

And the third mother, who remarried my father, must also feel the absurdity of her current life and is likely grappling with her own conflicts.

――Everyone is doing their best to live.

"I never thought I could feel this way. If I hadn't encountered faith, I would have remained unhappy forever."

I felt the resentment I had held for over 30 years begin to dissolve.

(I will call my real mother. And I will convey my feelings.)

As I gripped the steering wheel heading home, a warm light lit up in my chest.

The next day, I called my birth mother.

"Yes, hello?"

(It's my mother...!)

I was at a loss for words upon hearing my biological mother's voice for the first time.

"..."

"...Is this Junko?"

Unexpectedly, my biological mother called my name.

"...Yes. It's Junko. Mom."

"Junko. Junko has turned 28, right? ... Are you happy now?"

My biological mother spoke to me in a choked voice, telling me in fragments about how she couldn't take me with her no matter what, and how she always remembered me――.

Various scenes from my childhood flashed through my mind.

But that's okay now. What I want to convey is just this feeling of happiness――.

"There were many things, but I am happy now. Thank you for giving birth to me, Mother――"

When I hung up the phone, a sense of relief spread through my heart, as if I had put down a burden I had carried for many years.

Having been saved from suffering through my experiences at the temple, I thought that my relationship with my third mother was also a soul training given to me, and I made an effort to practice the love I could give, knowing the truth of the Buddha's teachings.

It took about three years for our hearts to connect, but now, my relationship with my third mother has become so harmonious that my father is surprised, and I truly feel the greatness of the Buddha's teachings.

And, nine years after encountering faith, I married a man who has supported me since I joined.

My mother-in-law, who lives with us, shows symptoms of dementia. There are times when caregiving is challenging, but when I interact with her sincerely, she responds as honestly as a child.

Here too, I have been given a precious opportunity to refine my heart.

Since the encounter with faith, my life has taken a rapid turn.

"The plan for life is made before one is born. Parents are chosen and promised to be born. Life in this world is for soul training, and no matter what hardships arise, they are just a part of the eternal cycle of reincarnation――"

When I learned this truth of the Buddha's teachings, I was able to feel a deep love for my life from the bottom of my heart.

If I hadn't chosen such a life, I would not have been able to realize the love of the Buddha.

Because I have gone through painful experiences, I can understand the pain of others and share my experiences with those who have similar struggles.

I believe that all of this was necessary experience to learn about "love."

Nothing that happens in life is wasted.

It is precisely in times of suffering that the Buddha is right beside us, watching over us.

When I realized this, I understood that I could overcome any misfortune.

I truly wish to convey the truth of the Buddha's teachings to many people who are suffering in life and help them find true happiness. That is my wish now.