Hints for repairing the marital relationship

Before being born into this world, humans decide on their marriage partner in the afterlife.

In other words, they have promised to work together for several decades to build an ideal family with a certain person.

Of course, there may be cases where a spouse passes away due to illness.

And there may be those who remarry.

There are also cases where such a complex life is planned.

However, as a principle, before being born into this world, they have made a promise to marry a specific partner and have resolved to create an ideal family for several decades and contribute to society before coming to Earth.

We must not forget that starting point.

The foundation of family building is sought in that promise made before being born.

(From 'Coffee Break' open_in_new)

At the beginning of marriage, couples likely have various ideals in mind.

However, as one year passes, two years pass, and ten, twenty years go by, that feeling may fade, and you may feel it becoming tarnished in reality.

The husband may no longer be the kind, ideal husband he once was, but a tired husband from work, and the wife may no longer be the lovely girl she once was, but a wife who wears a dirty apron and constantly complains about her aches and pains.

However, at such times, I want you to reflect on your original intentions.

Think back to the time when the two of you met, loved each other, and made vows.

Isn't it you, the husband, who has transformed that girl into her current state? Or isn't it you, the wife, who has changed your husband into his current state?

If you think your partner looks shabby and has worsened since you first met, that is not solely the partner's responsibility.

Couples should enlighten and educate each other by living together. It is important to find each other's good points and improve together.

From Ryuho Okawa's 'Tea Time' open_in_new

When you cannot love your partner, it is when you cannot understand them.

This is usually the case even in marriage. Both the husband and wife have their own points of view and are expressing them to each other, but because they cannot accept each other's points of view and their feelings do not allow it, they end up fighting.

You can love someone you understand.

Moreover, a person who thinks, 'I have been understood,' feels as if 'I have been loved.'

When you listen well to your partner's words, you become able to understand them.

In the family, there are many problems that can be solved just by listening well to what the other person says, without doing anything else.

Even in cases where 'the wife is burdened with various worries and cannot resolve them,' it may simply be that 'if the husband listens to the wife's story for two or three hours, that will be the end of it.'

Therefore, to understand your partner, you need to enhance your listening ability.

Thinking, 'I will listen to my partner's words' is also a heart of love.

From Ryuho Okawa's 'Tea Time' open_in_new

Even if you are doing your best and have accomplished ninety percent, if the last ten percent is lacking, there may be a wife or husband who is always scolded. From the partner's perspective, there may be something like, 'You are a good person, but I just can't stand this habit.'

However, those who bring up what they dislike are looking for reasons why 'this is why I cannot be happy.'

Instead of looking for such things, you should recognize the good points of others, be grateful for what you have been given, and change your way of thinking.

And let's stop taking from others at this point.

Let's look closely at what we are given by others and think about giving back a little.

For example, your husband may always come home late, but there must be reasons for that, so the wife should offer words of appreciation regarding such matters. Just that can make a significant difference.

When the wife offers words of appreciation, the husband may suddenly open his heart.

Let's think about giving back a little and being the one who gives.

From Ryuho Okawa's 'Tea Time' open_in_new

Those who lament their husband's lack of affection might consider looking at themselves from the man's perspective.

You, who may have seemed attractive at the time of marriage, might gradually become careless in your clothing, stop wearing makeup, and show a sloppy appearance to your husband after entering the household.

If the laundry is piled up to the ceiling, the dishes are left unwashed, and the trash is overflowing with flies buzzing around, how do you think your husband feels coming home to such a household every night?

"How outrageous. I work hard for eight to ten hours at the company, come home exhausted, and yet my wife can't even clean up, doesn't do the laundry or cleaning, leaves the futon unmade, and has three meals and a nap every day. Is there such a ridiculous story?" With this thought, the husband looks at you.

However, thinking that "a man shouldn't complain too much," when he comes home from work, he only says three words with a sulky face: "food," "bath," and "sleep." This is the least resistance of a man.

Those who always lament their husband's lack of affection need to change their perspective and consider, "How can I make my husband find me cute?"

"Those who say 'the night life is lacking' are the same. Is there something missing in your charm as a wife?"

If you show a little more perseverance and diligence as a wife, you will become somewhat cute in your husband's eyes.

Let's think about "how to make my husband find me cute."

From Ryuho Okawa's 'Tea Time' open_in_new

When a wife's financial power increases, it is generally thought that the household will improve, but it often heads towards collapse.

When a wife's income exceeds her husband's, it is often the case that a crisis in the household arises, or even if that doesn't happen, the husband himself deteriorates and ends up leading a life of ruin.

Moreover, when both spouses work and the wife's social status or the public's evaluation of her professional position becomes higher than her husband's, a crisis in the marriage also emerges.

When couples start to compete like that, the home often becomes hell.

"When a wife has her own financial power and works with high ability, she is contributing to society, so that in itself is not a bad thing, but it leads to natural competition between the couple.

And when the husband feels that he has 'lost,' his pride is hurt, and usually, the household cannot hold together.

If the husband always feels that he is losing to his wife, it gradually becomes harder for him to come home. Such husbands tend to cheat. They seek out women who are kinder and do not require competition.

Objectively speaking, socially, the wife is far more wonderful, and if she were to go on a matchmaking date, it wouldn't be a problem at all; yet, there are often cases where they are attracted to women who are not as good and end up cheating.

Therefore, from the wife's perspective, it is completely incomprehensible. "What on earth is good about that woman? Isn't my husband strange?" she thinks.

So why does he go to such women? Ultimately, it's because he feels relaxed. He doesn't feel like he has lost, so his self-esteem is not hurt.

It's not that the husband is inherently a cheating, bad person that the household collapses.

The husband is judged every day inside the house. "You earn poorly. You don't get promoted. You are not smart. You can't support your wife. You can't be a role model for your children"—these things are either said out loud or silently conveyed.

As a result, he gradually starts coming home late under the guise of overtime. And he stops coming home at all under the pretext of business trips.

This is a rule, so we must recognize it as a rule and establish countermeasures. It is not a special circumstance of just your household or an unexpected misfortune or disaster that has suddenly fallen from the sky.

Men are creatures of self-esteem.

Men have a tendency to head towards ruin if they cannot maintain their self-esteem at home.

That part of self-esteem must be preserved somewhere, even if it's just a thin layer. If that is cut off, it will be the end.

A truly wise wife is not one who can belittle her husband. A wife who belittles her husband is not wise.

A wise wife is one who skillfully uplifts her husband and ensures he can work happily until retirement.

A man's self-esteem must be preserved somewhere, even if it's just a thin layer.

From Ryuho Okawa's 'Tea Time' open_in_new

Even after many years of marriage, there are people who do not give a single word of praise for their wife's or husband's hard work.

Why do they hesitate to do such things? It doesn't cost a single yen.

For example, if the wife has worked hard today and invented a wonderful makeup that makes her look a little prettier, she should be praised.

Or if the husband comes home significantly earlier than usual today, he should be praised.

Just coming home early is enough to say, "You came home early today. You worked hard," and the husband will think, "I see. If I work efficiently and come home early, my wife will be happy," and he will feel pleased.

Even such small, trivial things are fine.

People remember bad words said to them for decades, but they also remember praise. Even if they are scolded a little, they remember it for about ten years, and even if they are praised a little, they feel praised for about ten years.

However, those words are really just a momentary thing. The effect of that moment is significant.

To improve human relationships and lead them in a happy direction, it doesn't require a single yen, nor does it require sweating and hard work.

What is needed is to change your attitude and show specific, small acts of kindness. That is important.

From 'Coffee Break' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

If you don't want a divorce, you should praise your partner. However, if you praise insincerely, there will be a backlash later, so you should praise what you genuinely believe is true.

There are always things you can praise. If you can't praise the whole, you can praise the parts. If you praise your partner's good points and efforts, their feelings will change, and their frozen heart will thaw.

When both parties do this, they can come closer together.

When you praise your partner, you start to look like a good person, and your partner will also change. This is the same as seeing your reflection in a mirror. Bad words bring back bad words, and blessings bring back blessings. Therefore, it is better to make an effort to praise your partner.

The above is a general statement, but if either the husband or wife’s social status rises significantly and the gap in awareness between the couple becomes too wide, there may be situations where one party cannot understand the other's public responsibilities and unilaterally criticizes them. In such cases, when the couple's values have diverged significantly, it may ultimately be happier for each to choose a different path in their overall life, and I would like to add this point.

From 'Healing the Heart: A Stress-Free Theory of Happiness' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

When humans are born into this world, they make a promise of marriage in the heavenly realm and decide on a first candidate, but usually, there are about four or five other people on earth with whom they have a marriage connection, and there is an order such as A, B, C, D, E. Among them, if there are people who are not yet married, the guardian spirits will rapidly bring them closer.

Moreover, even if there is no marriage connection, there are people with whom you have a bond from past lives, such as studying the truth of Buddhism together or working together. If there is support from the heavenly realm, such bonds can turn into marriage connections as needed, and as a result, even if there was no promise in the heavenly realm, one may enter into married life. Such things happen quite often.

Therefore, you should shine your heart more, live filled with light, and have hope. When you shine, people will come to you, and I believe there is a sufficient possibility of remarriage.

After that, you can leave it to your guardian spirit. If you set a deadline for yourself, such as 'within a year,' 'within six months,' or 'within three months,' it will become an attachment and cause suffering, so just ask your guardian spirit, 'May the right person appear at the best time for me,' and continue to make efforts.

Please do not be too hard on yourself, and while doing what you need to do properly, wait. Soon, an opportunity will surely come when you will have a flash of realization, 'This is the person.' At that time, please take positive and proactive action. For women, the courage to make a decision is a virtue. For men, even more so. I am also cheering for you.

Written by Ryuho Okawa, 'Hints for Happiness' open_in_new

From the past broadcasts of the popular radio program of Happy Science, 'Angel's Morning Call' open_in_new (national network + Hawaii KZOO), we introduce programs that we would like you to listen to now. (You can listen to it in audio)

(1) Guideline for the Heart: 'How Happy I Am' open_in_new [Episode 0997]
(2) 'Let's Tune Our Words' open_in_new [Episode 1100]