DV・Domestic Violence

Currently, it seems that the most common cases of domestic violence involve children during exam periods. Of course, there are also cases where husbands hit or kick their wives, but statistically, it is more common for teenagers to rebel at home. This is a very pathological aspect of modern society.

Therefore, I would like to consider the question, 'What are the reasons for domestic violence, and how can it be resolved?'

One of the causes of domestic violence is stress. There is no doubt about it.

The current education system does not assume that individuals have personalities or hobbies. It tries to create people who are the same everywhere, like Kintaro Ame, leading to a lot of uniform imposition. In response, rebellion arises from those with individuality.

When children rebel, it is often because parents impose specific values on them, such as 'You must do this,' 'You must study,' or 'You must get this job.' This often becomes a cause of domestic violence.

For example, a son who is told by his parents, 'You absolutely must become a doctor in the future. To do that, you must study. You can't get into a national university's medical school with an average brain, and we don't have the money to send you to a private university,' may end up going crazy and rebelling.

This also depends on the parents' mindset. Ultimately, parents may have had some failures or setbacks and think, 'I didn't succeed, so I want my child to be happy,' imposing various expectations on their children, which can often be very burdensome for the child.

From Ryuho Okawa's book 'The Syndrome of Not Being Able to Be Happy' open_in_new

One way to resolve domestic violence is to 'not interfere with the child's way of doing things.'

When parents preach to their children while putting their own issues aside and try to impose their views, children will rebel. Therefore, parents should first correct their own behavior and consider whether they are living a commendable life as human beings.

Instead of trying to guide children with words or physical punishment, it is better to adhere to the policy of educating children through one's own actions and example.

If children see their parents studying hard, they will eventually be influenced and start studying as well. However, if a father comes home every night drunk and spends weekends playing golf, telling his child every time they meet, 'You need to study. Otherwise, you'll end up like me,' the child will have no motivation to listen.

Moreover, if a mother is so absorbed in her hobbies that she neglects the family and is not home when the child returns from school, it is natural for the child to become troubled.

Therefore, first, parents should correct their own behavior and make an effort to create a proper family. They should recognize their children as independent individuals and, without too much interference, say, 'You should follow your own path.'

Additionally, problems can arise when parents monitor their children excessively, such as reading their diaries without permission.

Children also have their pride, so for example, if a mother answers a phone call from her son's girlfriend and says, 'XX-chan is studying for exams, so this is a problem,' and hangs up, it is natural for the son to react violently. 'Do you understand how I feel, Mom? I'm seriously considering this and even thinking about promising a future together.' They might end up in a physical altercation.

Also, when a teenage daughter starts going out due to phone calls from boys, fathers become anxious and try to come up with reasons to keep their daughters at home. This can lead to rebellion from the daughter.

What is important is that both parents always trust their children. If they do, children will develop self-control and tend to follow the rules. When children are told, 'You are a good child' regularly, they are encouraged by the pleasant sound of those words and often become more compliant.

However, if parents harbor distrust, children may develop a sense of revenge. When told, 'You are a bad child,' they might think, 'Then I'll be an even worse child.'

Therefore, it is important to tell children, 'We always trust you.' Even if a daughter goes out after receiving a call from a boy, it is crucial to maintain that stance. If parents get angry, saying things like, 'You're hanging out with boys,' it is certain that the child's heart will drift away.

Additionally, there may be cases of domestic violence caused by children suffering from exam-related neuroses.

If a child has been unable to pass university entrance exams for years and is only repeating years, they may feel as if they are constantly being told, 'You are really stupid,' even without being explicitly told. If they hear from both parents every day, 'I wasn't as bad as you. You are really hopeless,' it is impossible for them to grow up normally.

In this case, it is important for both parents and children to take a long-term view with a mindset of 'enduring hardships.'

From Ryuho Okawa's book 'The Syndrome of Not Being Able to Be Happy' open_in_new

In addition to children's violence, there is also the violence of husbands.

There may be cases where a husband comes home drunk every night and hits or kicks his wife. In such cases, it is necessary to explore the reasons why the husband is behaving violently.

If a husband becomes violent at home due to alcohol, there must be issues on the wife's side as well. At the very least, it is clear that she is not the ideal woman. It is hard to believe that a husband would become violent with an ideal wife like Yamauchi Kazutoyo's wife. There are likely issues on the wife's side that she is not even aware of.

Such wives often tend to be nagging and complain about their husbands while putting their own issues aside. 'You never get promoted. Your colleague XX has become so successful,' 'You earn too little. Our bank savings aren't increasing at all,' 'You can't provide family services,' 'Our night life is really lacking,' and so on.

When husbands hear such things, they feel unpleasant. As a result, they drink to distract themselves and numb their senses before coming home. Then, when their wives nag them even more, they start hitting or kicking.

In such cases, it is important not to blame the other person but to first change oneself. It is necessary to make an effort to create a comfortable home for the husband.

Additionally, families with a lot of husband violence tend to have another characteristic: 'the wife's cooking is poor.' Men are often surprisingly food lovers, and if the wife's cooking is bad and doesn't suit their taste, they won't enjoy coming home. Such individuals would much rather enjoy a delicious meal while drinking at night.

While a wife who is beautiful and can please her husband with her looks may be fine, for those who are not, it is essential to at least study cooking and come up with ways to serve delicious food to their husbands. If a wife's cooking improves, the husband will start to listen to her. It is unreasonable to expect compliance when being served bad food, but when served delicious food, they will gradually become more compliant.

Make an effort to create delicious meals every day. If you do, your husband will likely change unexpectedly.

From Ryuho Okawa's book 'The Syndrome of Not Being Able to Be Happy' open_in_new

Even when it comes to violence between couples or between parents and children, it seems that the parties involved do not think it is wrong.

Moreover, such violence has one 'utility': it can serve as a 'release of stress.' While violence outside the home can cause problems, within the home, family members can endure it to some extent. Thus, there is a 'utility' in terms of 'stress release.'

However, this indicates that within the family, there are no longer means to relieve stress other than such methods.

The home should be a place where stress can be released to some extent and where one can heal from fatigue outside, but now, it seems that stress has accumulated too much within the home, making it impossible to do so.

Anyone who receives stress from a family member cannot just hold onto it, so they will retaliate against someone. It is as if the family is engaged in a stress exchange, deepening the wounds.

Therefore, it is important to first cultivate calmness and patience.

Additionally, it is necessary to take an interest in the truth of the Buddha's teachings and strive to eliminate the low-level conflicts and troubles of this world by seeking higher and more noble ideals in one's heart.

This is a kind of substitution. In short, the human mind cannot think of two things at the same time.

This is, in a sense, a blessing. For example, even with bipolar disorder, mania and depression do not come at the same time; they always alternate. Similarly, the human mind cannot think of two things at once.

The idea that "one can only think of one thing at a time, and cannot perform various tasks simultaneously like the Thousand-Armed Kannon" is indeed a limitation of humans. However, the fact that "one can only think of one thing" can sometimes be a relief for humans. By immersing oneself in something or distracting oneself with something, it is possible to avoid thinking about other things.

Therefore, it is important to "turn one's thoughts towards higher things."

From now on, external values and measures of success will become quite strict, so it would be better to find joy within the family a little more.

From 'Hints for Happiness' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

There are various forms of child abuse, but the most common is due to the mother's stress.

Stress that should originally be directed towards the husband may not be directed at him because it results in violence or harsh words, leading to the stress being directed towards the child instead.

Alternatively, when faced with malice from in-laws, one may want to do something about it but feels powerless against them, leading to that stress being directed towards the child.

While it is common for stress to cause one to lash out at children, to put it bluntly, this is venting frustration.

Moreover, in cases of excessive child abuse, it is undoubtedly influenced by spiritual factors. Such mothers usually have the influence of evil spirits.

When evil spirits come, one's personality clearly changes. Everything appears pessimistic, and one tends to seek the cause of their unhappiness externally.

Since children are the easiest to blame, one may think, "I am unhappy because you are such a handful." Children are the most challenging among those who bind the mother and interfere with her work, leading to frustration being directed at them.

However, this is unfair to the child. If they are bullied in this way, the child will also become disturbed.

From 'Hints for Happiness' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

In such cases, I believe there is no choice but to make the home brighter. It is about making efforts to brighten the home.

There is no need to fear by saying, "Evil spirits, evil spirits." They are just like cockroaches and cannot appear in well-organized, brightly lit places. Cockroaches only appear in places like garbage dumps in the kitchen. Evil spirits also come to the dark parts of the home where discontent accumulates, so those areas must be brightened.

For that, the understanding and cooperation of the husband and family are extremely important. If everyone thinks, "This is not good," then they should work together to brighten the home. If there is a husband who understands well and can be a conversation partner, the wife will improve.

From 'Hints for Happiness' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

Decide in your heart to simply live brightly. And, little by little, day by day, train your heart, become stronger, and become someone who can generate their own power.

By doing so, you can change your life and also change those around you. The "power of the heart" is like light; it can become stronger by tenfold, hundredfold, and more.

In my youth, I was troubled by my own issues. It was like that when I was young. However, most people who are troubled are self-centered. Those who are sad or suffering only think about themselves. Therefore, it is "completely dark."

On the contrary, when you think, "I want to make others happy" or "I want to do something for others," you stop thinking about yourself. Then, you gradually become able to illuminate those around you.

From 'I'm Happy' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

If marriage becomes an obstacle, for example, "I have a job I really want to do, but just being married prevents me from doing anything," that is too unfortunate.

If someone has the feeling, "If life lasts more than eighty years, I want to leave something behind that I can look back on at the end and say, 'I did this,'" and feels that they have become like a black slave in an old American cotton field beyond the limits of coexistence, then it cannot be helped. There may be times when you have to part ways.

However, it is better to think that any experience can be used positively.

From 'Marriage Activity Winning Method Q&A' by Ryuho Okawa open_in_new

From the popular radio program of Happy Science, 'Angel's Morning Call' open_in_new (national network + Hawaii KZOO), we introduce programs from past broadcasts that we would like you to listen to now. (You can listen to it in audio.)

(1) 'Are you troubled by love?' open_in_new [Episode 1182]
(2) 'A life with love' open_in_new [Episode 1404]